being a grownup

We've been doing a lot of grownup things these past few days, like cleaning out all the lint from the dryer ducts. I'm almost 30 and no one ever told me that you are supposed to clean out the ducts or it could cause a fire. We had a pile of lint the size of our 3 year old. For the last couple of weeks we were having to dry our clothes at least 4-5 cycles to get it dry. It's times like these that I realize that I've lived a fairy tale sort of life, believing that the lint fairy somehow took care of all the lint. I assumed HF believed in this same fairy, along with the fairy that does our dishes and does all the cooking. Along with dryer maintenance, I have also discovered that underneath our water heater is a gas flame! Just like one on a gas stove! My immediate thoughts were this:

I had no idea this is how we got our hot water. HF said I was probably the only person in the world that didn't know this. He has also reassured me that our house will not blow up, but it's still a possibility in the back of my mind. Anyone else have any shocking realizations like this? Now I'm wondering what else I might've overlooked. . .

how becoming a cop has changed HF

I'm back from the Christmastime festivities. The Little Tikes Police car that HF so painstakingly put together on Christmas Eve was a mega hit with not only the baby, but with the other two. Unfortunately I didn't realize that one of our dear children had put a fingerprint on our lens until after I took all the Christmas pictures, so they all have a foggy sort of look to them. I have a lot of blog reading I've missed out on, and I discovered that when someone emails me or leaves a comment that it goes directly to my spam folder. It's weird. So sorry to everyone that I have not responded to. I haven't been ignoring you, but I will do my best to reply in the coming week. And Handcuffed Heart, I will be emailing you tomorrow about the kid stuff like I ought to have long ago.

Now for the hot topic: I noticed a recent comment on an old post. Here's an excerpt:

"my boyfriend is applying to the local police academies. i knew he was meant for this job before he did and he's so passionate about it he's already started training himself so hell be ready lol. im a nurse so we are both used to my weird hours (usually 11p-7a) and being very passionate about my work (not to mention sharing the grossest and saddest details of my job) do you have ne advice for us when it comes to the transition he will undertake and how it will effect our relationship? i know people have said that some people change as they become cops and i want to know what kind of change i might see."

I know I've touched on this in previous posts, mostly in a humorous fashion, but I've been paying attention to the changes I've seen in HF since the academy days. I've never been sure of how to word it other than when I'm making light of the changes, but in all seriousness, this is my attempt at addressing the not-so-good changes that have occurred in my LEO. There have been, and still are, times where I'm not sure if this is a change I'm seeing in HF or if it's a fluke, but I know HF has changed. Remember, HF reads my blog, so let me preface this with a declaration of how much I adore HF and think so highly of him. He is, in my opinion a man with few faults and he makes me very happy. Here is some of what I included in an email to this reader above:

Grumpiness: During the academy, I noticed that HF started to be grumpy quite a bit. This is really uncharacteristic for him. At first I didn't say anything because I thought it was just some random behavior because of stress in the academy, lack of sleep and adrenaline dumps, or maybe difficult subject matter he was learning about. Probably some of everything. I started calling him on it because I realized that it was becoming everyday ordinary behavior. He still has occasional grumpiness that makes me think it's me or something I've done, but he works hard to fix it and deal with stress appropriately. That brings up. . .

Communication: Every relationship experiences its ups and downs with communication no matter how well you know each other or get along. Since HF has become a cop, I have noticed the way he communicates with me has changed. He tends to use the communication techniques learned in training on me and the kids sometimes. I don't like it. Sometimes he does it playfully, but sometimes it's to get the answers he is looking for immediately. I can't think of an example off the top of my head, but sometimes I get the feeling I'm being interviewed much like someone off the streets he deals with. I guess communication kind of goes along with impatience. He is direct and to the point much more than ever before and wants me and the kids and anyone else he deals with off duty to be the same and not "jerk him around". It probably doesn't help that I roll my eyes at his attempts to communicate this way. He usually sees what he's doing and stops and/or sees that it is ineffective with his family. 

Impatience: Much more impatience with me and the kids! When we talked about this with each other, he realized that he was indeed being impatient and the way he described it was like he was used to people doing what he said when he said it (complying) and you can't expect small children to really comply, you know? At least not the first time you ask. And you can't expect your wife to comply either, can you? :) I try to make life as easy for him as possible like he does for me, but to see him go from laid back without a care in the world to Mister "hurry up and do what I say and be direct" is kind of startling. It has its usefulness at times, but I see that he has a load on his shoulders to figure out how to balance his personal and family life with his "other" life.


Intense and Paranoid: We can't go anywhere without HF seeing trouble. He has to park a certain way, he has to look over his shoulder, look for escape routes, sit in a certain spot at a restaurant or at church, stand guard like a body guard when I'm getting into the car or helping the kids into their seats. The gun goes everywhere. It's like a big production when he gets dressed. The badge, the 2 wallets, the gun, the right clothes to conceal gun, etc. It drives me crazy. The fact that he has to do this is not the issue, but when I just want to go out and enjoy his company and he's constantly watching his back, sometimes it's like, "hello? Are you listening to me?". I've heard that this is normal rookie cop behavior and that he'll settle down a bit with time, but sometimes I just want him to myself and I don't want him to have to worry about anything else. Knowing HF, he'll never be complacent and will always be on edge, but it's a little tense sometimes!

Language: This isn't in regard so much to cop terms and lingo, but he never used to swear or tell crude jokes or stories, but he will now! He does a lot of editing for me because I'm a sensie, but still, it's one of those things that have changed.

Most of these things I've mentioned are things he doesn't even realize he's doing until it's brought to his attention. And like I said, he works hard to fix things that could become bad habits. I would say that it is a lot more hard work that is being put into our relationship and family since he has become a cop.

Becoming a cop changes you. It may not be drastic, it may not be in the same way as it is for others, but I would love to hear from any readers. In what ways have you or your cop changed? I'm looking for the good, the bad, and the ugly. I know it would be greatly appreciated to those seeking answers, myself included. In another post I would like to address ways you cope and even thrive despite all of the changes.

Cops And Peace Officers (By HF)

Recently I had a conversation with an older sergeant in my department.  He spoke to me about how he believed  there exists different types of police officers.  He said,

"There are cops and then there are peace officers.  Which one are you?"

I wondered what he meant.  He told me about when he was a young man and was more inclined to chase down everything, go after everyone, and generally be a super cop.  As he got older and more experienced he related to me how he changed and developed the ability to slow down and let certain things go.

"The mark of a true warrior is knowing when to slow down or stop when the situation dictates," he said.

He mentioned that the difference between a cop and a peace officer is not just a cut and dry, black and white division; rather, it is more of a continuum.  He asked me to think about what it means to be a peace officer vs a cop and to figure out where I'm at on this continuum.  As I was walking out of his office, he said to me,

"You'll always be a cop.  You're a cop down to your soul and you always will be.  A peace officer is something truly special that every cop can become."

I respect this sergeant immensely and love listening to his stories about policing in the "old days."  He has done just about everything in his career and has the respect of all of the officers in our department.  I think about our conversation every night as I try to figure out what it means to be a peace officer and a cop.  I have found that when I think about the idea of a peace officer, I am less inclined to take things personally and more patient.  This does not mean that I am more willing to give people inappropriate leeway.  I think I'll always be a "cop," as this sergeant has said, but I find myself striving for something more now.  I want to be a better person, a better police officer, a better husband, father, brother, son, a better man.

In the academy they told us about the brotherhood that we would be joining if we made it through.  I just never realized that it would be this special and this powerful.  I'm still so new and the job is really intense for me each night, but I'm having the time of my life.  I'm still trying to figure out what this sergeant was telling me as I try to define what a peace officer means.  I have a feeling it's going to take a while but I look forward to more conversations with more "old sergeants," for many years to come.

praise be

I just had to share this random quote from my niece Margo. She is 5 years old and she was helping my sister unload and load the dishwasher in the kitchen. This is what she said:

"My name is Spinach, and I was born in Texas. I got bit on the butt by a rattlesnake, and I almost died. Then my Daddy told me about Jesus. Praise be."

Just so you know, my sister does not speak like that (i.e. praise be, hallelujah, etc.). Or anyone else in my family for that matter.

another one of those dilemmas

HF has had to miss family events and special occasions already in his short career as an LEO. During the academy was no exception. Now for the first time he has tomorrow evening free and there is a scheduling conflict. Our daughter, who is in 1st grade, has her Christmas program tomorrow night. After making plans to attend this a month or two ago, we find out that his department's Christmas party is also tomorrow night at the same exact time. We both have felt unsure if this is something he can forgo, or if being the new guy and such, is it a big deal if he skips out on his first Christmas party? Some of these parties might be very casual and optional for some departments. Some might be a big deal. We don't know if it's either. Does he go to his work party without me and miss our daughter's event? Does he skip the party and come with me to the school? WWYD? What would YOU do?! Sometimes it seems uncertain which one is more important. The social/work obligation? Or the family obligation.

things are not always as they appear. . .

Yesterday I was excited to receive this box in the mail. Someone sent us cookies! Well, HF opened it up and this is what was inside (a 100 points to whoever knows what it is. I sure don't):Then last night, I saw this box in our closet up on a shelf, and I thought, "Yum! Multi-Grain crackers!" Nope.
This is what was inside:
Pistol cartridges. I called HF up. He had been at work for an hour or so. I asked him if there were any grenades or gun powder or anything else I should know about in our food storage. He said the pantry was safe. He said that a lot of gear is shipped inconspicuously like in the cookie box on purpose. Also, our bedroom closet shelf has slowly evolved from where we put our towels and sheets. . . to gear. It has taken over the closet shelf completely. You never know what's going to fall and hit you in the head from that shelf. The last incident, I had reached on my tippy toes to get a towel and a cartridge struck me in the forehead. I finally said something to him about putting it back in the gear closet I so lovingly cleaned out for his use. He was nice and cleaned it up right away and now the only thing I can see up there is my red ryder bb gun he got me for Christmas a couple of years ago.

Do you have stashes like this around the house? He is quickly being called a "gear whore" at work.

we went on a date

image found here

That's right. We actually went on a date! Let me explain why this is such a miracle.

1. We have kids. They prevent us from spending time together alone.
   
2. We have ZERO family members where we live to lend a helping hand.
   
3. Sometimes we make babysitting arrangements with friends and they cancel on us because they are either busy with families and children of their own, or they are single and have better things to do.
4. There is one teenager in the neighborhood that I trust and she goes to her dad's every other week.
   
5. HF's schedule. 'Nuff said.

My childhood friend who actually lives in the same city as me, volunteers once in a while to take the kids, sometimes for a weekend. She is single and busy professionally and socially, so it's a rare occurrence, but we snatch it up when she offers because she is one of those people that knows exactly what to do with kids and we don't worry one bit when she has them. I feel fortunate to have her in my life and that my kids think of her as one of their aunties. She is the reason we had this date.

I know that dating isn't just a problem for police families/couples. But in the last few weeks I have felt like everything comes back to HF's job. We make plans, and he has to go in to work. We make plans again and he forgot that he was signed up to do some overtime work and no one can cover. We make plans, but because his days off fall on a Sunday and Monday, those days are just too awkward for someone to babysit, especially a teenager who has school the next day. This teenager I mentioned by the way charges $1 per kid per hour. That's kind of an unbelievable deal if you can get her.

We have some friends with kids that we trade babysitting with once in a while. The idea is to do it once a week. We would go out every Monday night on a date and they could go out another day of the week and we will babysit. Sometimes it works out, but mostly it seems like there is a lot of canceling because of things that come up in both our lives. I finally told HF that I think that the devil doesn't want us to go on dates. We try to have dates at home, but sometimes a girl's just gotta go out with her man. And if you have kids, you spend a lot of time in your house without other adults, so staying in is sometimes the last option you have in mind.

Dating has really been on my mind a lot lately. The year that HF spent in the academy and was working full time, I was also pregnant and was caring for 2 other children. I never saw HF except in passing and when he had a day off he spent it sleeping. Of course, I've never been able to leave a baby with someone else very easily. It seems like it takes me until they are 2 or 3 to be comfortable leaving them for a few hours. So if we did go out, I was anxious the whole time being away from our baby. One night I went to applebees to get a late dinner for HF and myself. It was packed! It was karaoke night. I remembered that I loved karaoke and late nights out together. Then I remembered that it had been too long since we had really gone out and dated other than the occasional movie. I love watching movies, but that was quickly becoming the last thing I wanted to do when we had a chance to go out. I remember being filled with so much sadness and self pity at that moment. I wanted to be at one of those tables with friends enjoying the karaoke. I wanted to be one of those couples that had family living near by so we could help each other out with our kids. Why was this so difficult?

We have both made it a goal to go on a weekly date. I know that some of these dates will have to be at home before he goes to work or on one of his days off. I would like HF to be in charge of 2 of the 4 dates. Our challenges: Getting creative at thinking of dates at home and BABYSITTING. I would like to get some of your ideas on how you date your significant other whether at home or out. I'm curious what HF will come up with. I'll probably have to remind him when it's his turn to be in charge. And I'm serious when I say that for the last 8 years whenever I tell HF that I want to go do something fun, he asks me if I 1. want to go bowling and 2. if I want to go ice skating. Without fail! In fact he asked me if I wanted to do one of those 2 things today. I asked him if I agreed to go bowling if he would stop asking me if I want to go bowling. I suspect we will end up having to do a lot more dating at home than going out because of our current situation. I seriously can't wait until our daughter is old enough to babysit. 5 more years? What do you guys do for dating and babysitting if you need it?

OMG Steven Seagal is a Cop

HF came home the other day and was SO excited. He said that Steven Seagal is a real cop and has been for the last 20 years.

I have always hated Steven Seagal movies and the like. The like being Chuck Norris, Sylvester Stalone, Charles Bronson, etc. It's so cheesy! I hope I am not offending anyone as I know most guys love this crap. I have 4 older brothers. I admit, it's fun to watch them with HF and laugh at the one liners and some of the fight scenes or a good evil eye stare down, but it really is lame. I guess that's why everyone loves it. But now that HF has seen the first episode of Lawman, he thinks he needs to watch all the Steven Seagal movies now because they are "real". He's kidding. Kind of. Anyway, I watched the first half, and I was rolling my eyes. But I can't hate him now because he's part of the brotherhood, right? I'm sure he's a nice guy. After all, he's a zen master. But what's with the face expressions? I thought it was just for his movies, but no. He always has that scowl on his face. HF just told me I better be careful what I say about Steven because he could be watching. He could be an active reader/commenter on my blog. Which one of you is Steven Seagal? HF thinks that Meadowlark is just an alias for Steven Seagal. Hmmm. Now I'm not so sure myself. I mean, look at her latest post.

You can watch the first episode of Lawman here.

Steven if you are reading this, we really do love you. Stay safe out there.

Day 2 of the in-laws

I just survived day 2 of the in-laws, and you know what? It's going really well. It couldn't be any better actually. I was nauseous all day Friday, but just a few minutes into their arrival I was set at ease. I've mentioned I'm not a shopper, but I needed a few things and I must say that shopping helped with the nausea a little. I bought some gray suede-ish ankle boots, some new jeans, and a couple of tops. I also had to get a new winter coat.

HF came home this morning and was having trouble falling right to sleep. He's supposed to go straight to bed so that he can get up a little earlier than usual to spend time with his parents. He was thinking a lot about something he had to do last night. He had to shoot a deer that was impaled on a fence. There was no way of saving it. I asked him not to tell me any details if that was alright because it would probably make me cry. No joke. But he had to make the decision what to do and he decided that that was what he needed to do. Everyone agreed with him and so he did it. And it was over quick. He was 100% okay with it, but he was thoughtful about it because he has never killed a living thing before. I know to a lot of you this isn't a big deal to talk about or whatever, but I'm just glad that HF has "brothers" that he can talk to about things that I won't allow him to go into great detail with me. So I'm curious if any of you have a list of off-limits conversations. We might have talked about this before. Mine is pretty short.

1. Animals having to be killed while alive and looking at you (I'm serious!)
   
2. violent or sexual assaults against women and children.
   

If it's important to him to come to me with something then I disregard my rules and I can handle it, but he's okay with sparing me the details and he'll fill me in on how he went to his partner or another trusted brother and how that conversation went. That sort of thing. It seems to be working out for us. I think I mentioned before that I sobbed for hours after watching an episode of Law and Order that was about a rape. It still haunts me. It's not like I keep myself in a little sheltered bubble. I love knowing what I'm up against in the world. But some details are best left to the professionals.

On a happier note, welcome to Anna, a newly blogging police girlfriend. After just one post she already seems really cool. She's a hula/Tahitian dancer and says she has a bucket list that continues to grow. I'm curious to learn what's on that bucket list. I need to come up with a list. I'm too late to do the 30 things by 30, since I'll be 30 in January though. Maybe I will do a 40 things by 40. 10 years ought to be enough time, right?

night shift

I found this little poem that HF wrote while he was a dispatcher.

Night Shift

Hot spot light
Warming up my neck
Sweaty finger tips
Sliding on the keyboard
Waiting for the phone to ring
To save another life

overheard

While driving together as a family, our 3 year old son asked, "Daddy? You a policeman?" He asks this every now and then and also when he sees HF in his uniform. In his mind, HF is not a policeman unless he is in his uniform.

HF answered, "Yes, I'm a policeman. I'm always a policeman. Even when I'm not wearing my uniform."

Luke: You can't arrest me because you are my father.

HF: I can't arrest you because you are a good little boy.

Last night, HF was telling me today's itinerary before going to bed:

HF: Tomorrow I'm going to wake up and take Daisy to school, and then I'll be up until about noon. When I wake up at 6 pm, I will get showered, dressed, eat dinner, then get kicked in the crotch 75 times. I will go straight to work afterwards.

Me: Have fun with that.

The getting kicked in the crotch refers to R.A.D. class.


what are some things overheard in your LE houses?