Personally: Words

Hi. Has it really been almost 2 months since I last posted? Well, golly gee time sure does fly.

To sum up, I haven't been much of a happy camper lately. I am burned out. Big time. We see HF so little these days, that I jokingly mentioned to a friend that I might as well move somewhere I like, like where there's an ocean, because we would see HF about the same amount of time. Except, I wasn't really joking all that much. Inside, I kind of meant it. Sure, I would miss the shape of his body underneath the comforter as I sneak in and out of our bedroom during the day while he's sleeping, but I am pretty lonely these days. I busy myself with the kids' comings and goings, projects, events, and play dates. I joined a book club, I volunteer my time, I call friends and family members. During quiet evenings when the kids are in bed and HF has rushed out the door, I might prepare myself a beautiful gourmet snack and a hot cup of tea and watch a much anticipated non-cartoon, grownup movie, or delve deeper into a novel on my kindle. I might get caught up on housework, or work on a pinterest (omg pinterest are you on it?!) project I've had my eye on. Sound familiar? Anyone?

On the outside, it might look like I am doing it all. That I'm a Super mom, or at the very least, a contented mom and wife. People say, "Oh I don't know how you do it! I would die if I didn't live near my family so they could help out!", and other similar sentiments. I smile and don't say much, but inside, I am dying. I hate going to events without HF. And to be honest, it's mostly because our kids are a handful when it's just me. Also, whether the kids are with me, or I've gotten a babysitter, I'm a bit shy. I hate to admit it, but HF is sort of a social crutch! It also bothers me that babysitting is so hard to come by. I could really use a break every now and then. And while I'm mentioning what is bothering me, do my friends understand that without a decent amount of notice, babysitting is nearly impossible, especially when you don't live near family? And no, I can't leave them home alone while they are sleeping! I repeat, HF's schedule is from 7pm to 7am.

Another thing you may or may not know about me? I am low maintenance. And HF knows it. He is reminded on a regular basis when his friends' or family members' wives do insane things and call him to tell him about it. I don't ask for much. I 'm not needy, I don't play games, and I certainly don't expect all that much. I am also honest. I tell him exactly what I want. One of those things I tell him I want is words. If you are familiar with the Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman, my love language is primarily Words of Affirmation. For example, our communication has been really off for a couple of months. I am a worrier and a talker and a planner. HF is the strong silent type. If he says one word, "sorry", when necessary, I am putty in his hands. It is far reaching. It covers just about everything without there being a need for much discussion. When he tells me nice things, compliments me, etc. I feel like I'm walking on clouds. Words go a long way and keep me happy. So being married to the strong silent type doesn't afford me a lot of words as you may well imagine.

For many years, I have told HF that a perfect birthday present from him would be a letter. I would take a letter over new furniture or whatever my secret indulgence would be (Don't take my word on that). He never says anything. He never gives me words. And then my friends, on my 32nd birthday that just occured two weeks ago, he presented me with words. He woke me up early on my birthday, plopped down a small stack of starch white paper, leaned over, kissed me, and said, "Happy Birthday". I grabbed it up, sleepy eyes and all, and saw on the cover, "Words". That's all it said. And inside, were the most beautiful, heartfelt spoken words from the most strong and silent man I've ever known. And I'm telling you, those words have given me hope, and they have given me peace. And whatever our issues and struggles may be, we will find a way. That's what words give me. A way.

And since y'all don't know me from Adam, I can rest assure that my sharing a sampling of HF's work won't embarrass either one of us (hopefully). Some of his poems are police related, some of them are personal, some are about me. Here's a poem that sums up this entire post, if you've borne with me this long.

I Need Words (by HF)

I need words she says

Words to tell me what you think of me

But what she's really saying to me is

I want you to tell me how much I am worth to you

I need words she says

Words to tell me what you like about me

But what she's really saying to me is

I want you to tell me I am safe here with you forever

I need words she says

Words to tell me what you think and feel

But what she's really saying to me is

I want you to tell me I am safe in your mind with you forever

I need words she says

I need words

I feel like the next thing that comes out of my mouth had better be amazing

I fumble and say something about her eyes or her nose or her uncanny ability to read people

She smiles tolerantly hoping

I continue citing her remarkable organizational skills. Yeah I went there.

But I have not heard her.

I should have said

You are safe with me in my mind and in my heart forever. You are my other half and I could only love

You as deep as the universe and as wide as eternity.

You are my hope and I love you.

But most of all

I still see the girl I married ten years ago every time I look at you regardless of what is happening around us

And I am always grateful for you

Officer Crawls Under Bus to Comfort Pinned Woman

Just popping in during this busy holiday season to share this picture and link of a positive LEO story. I'm sure many of you have already heard about this, but a woman was trapped under a bus, and Utah Police Officer, Kevin Peck, crawled under and stayed with her to comfort her and hold her hand while they waited for rescuers to lift the bus. This is the kind of story involving officers that I love to hear about. I wish all the good that officers do would be shared like this with the rest of the world. I liked this part at the end of the article:

Peck responds to a lot of accidents in the course of his duties, but said this one was different.
“At times, the job can become mundane. Then, every once in a while, something touches you more than the others. It reminds you why you became a police officer,” he said.
“All across the country, officers do things like this every day,” he added. “It’s part of the job.”

I'm glad there are still people like this out there. It's easy to forget. You can watch an interview with Officer Peck here and read more about the incident.

How to scare the crap out of your spouse

Rescue Randy

Borrow one of these from one of your paramedic buddies. After your shift is over at 4 am, bring it home and put it in your wife's office. Then when your wife takes your toddler back to bed after one of his nightly visits and she passes by the office and sees the silhouette of a man, she will have a heart attack.

HF brought this home last night and everytime I walk into the office, my heart briefly stops beating until I realize that it's not a real human. HF said that he was going to put it in the back of the van sitting up, but he was afraid I would wreck the car. He isn't borrowing it for work related reasons. He's a scout leader (yes let's add that to his list of things that he does) and he's using it this week for something scout related. I can't wait for it to get out of here. The kids are also equally freaked by it.

There's no picture of this, but the other thing you can do do scare the crap out of your spouse, is bring home a big box that has hazard stickers and other codes on it and state that it's a box of grenades and has to be stored inside the house. Okay, if you haven't figured it out by now, I'm the kind of person that worries about our gas heater exploding and blowing up our house and our bodies in the process. I also worry about toilet snakes, the garbage disposal randomly going off, and other not likely spontaneous combustions. So all I could do was watch in concern as HF placed this box up on a high bookshelf. Then I asked him if they would explode. He laughed and said they were locked, etc. That's not good enough for me. I pretty much obsessed about it the whole day until he took them with him the next day.  They came home with him every night for a whole week. I had bags under my eyes and a sore neck. I hate grenades. Even if they are flash bang grenades.

I know he has plans for that dummy for the next few days. It is written in his face. That means I will be sleeping with one eye open this week.

warm fuzzies: The Rucker Family

I was inspired this morning by this video of the Rucker family; a retired Marine Corps couple that began foster caring children. In the last seven years, they have cared for 45 children, and even adopted one of the little girls they cared for. It's couples like this that provide safety, hope, food, clothing, and love for so many children who go without each day. They definitely deserved the Marine family of the year award for their efforts.

Depressing Topics: Funerals

HF was driving me to the airport early in the morning. He was listening to one of his favorite artists, David Gray. The song, The One I Love, came on and while were listening to it in silence, he said casually, "If something happens to me and I die, this is the song I want played at my funeral. I didn't say anything. He then went into detail, giving me instructions as to what I should do if he dies. I guess we haven't fully talked about this. I avoid the subject of death at all costs. I don't want to think about it. Like, I don't even go to funerals unless it's someone I was close to and even then I don't go to the viewing. But I listened to him. I know that it's something we need to talk about in more detail. We should make plans for the "just in case". We have life insurance, but that's it. We haven't done anything else or made any other kinds of plans.

I reached over and squeezed his hand tight as we drove the rest of the way to the airport. I feel confident that HF won't die, but I want to be prepared. I don't want to have to think about any details if the worst happens. So that's my next project. Getting our Will and Testaments together and such. Any advice? Where should I start? How have you prepared for the "just in case"? And have you heard this song? It's beautiful.


The One I Love
Gonna close my eyes
Girl and watch you go
Running through this life darling
Like a field of snow

As the tracer glides
In its graceful arc
Send a little prayer out to ya
'cross the falling dark

Tell the repo man
And the stars above
You're the one I love

Perfect summers night
Not a wind that breathes
Just the bullets whispering gentle
'mongst the new green leaves

There's things I might have said
Only wish I could
Now I'm leaking life faster
Then I'm leaking blood

Tell the repo man
And the stars above
You're the one I love
You're the one I love
The one I love

Don't see Elysium
Don't see no fiery hell
Just the lights up bright baby
In the bay hotel

Next wave coming in
Like an ocean roar
Won't you take my hand darling
On that old dancefloor

We can twist and shout
Do the turtle dove
And you're the one I love
You're the one I love
The one I love

my run-in with CJ

Did I mention that I see CJ (Calamity Jane) every single day except weekends? It's true. Turns out she also has a five year old and her 5 yo is in the same kindergarten class as my 5 yo. I knew who she was and assumed she had no idea who I was. Well recently as I was dropping my son off, she looks at him and exclaimed, "Why you look just like your daddy!" I knew I was in for it then. She introduced herself to me and I mentioned that I had met her once before but her hair was super short and blonde if I remembered correctly (it is much longer now and her natural color-red). She said, "Oh yeah! I chopped it off and dyed it blonde to look more intimidating". I smiled because I was picturing the hairstyle and look she donned back then as intimidating.

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It was hard for me to look her in the eye and talk to her without thinking "OMG. I'm talking to CJ!" in my mind. It was definitely a surreal moment. We made small talk about kids and then she seemed to want to talk about HF and police work. She actually said that she had no business being a police officer and that she didn't know what she was thinking. I can't tell you how uncomfortable I was hearing my blog fodder confess all this to me. I smiled politely and told her that it was admirable to give something like that a shot. She gushed about HF. Said he was a supercop and amazing and I agreed with her. She also mentioned how kind he was to everyone and helpful and encouraging. I liked hearing that, but I also felt like I wanted her to stop talking about HF.

We made small talk for a few more minutes. I felt a little bad for sharing her stories with the world, but when I saw her driving away from the school eating what looked like toast in one hand, and holding a book in the other, I had to laugh. She actually had the book open and in her face while she was trying to eat and drive! She is one of a kind. If you aren't sure who CJ or Calamity Jane is, you can see here and here. Now when I see her we smile and wave, she might compliment an outfit and vice versa.  She's very nice and I think she came to the right conclusion about her invovlvement police work.  

Suddenly Cop Wife: The Show

Just wanted to mention that fellow police wife, Stella, at Suddenly Cop Wife is doing a show! It's called Suddenly Cop Wife: The Show. It's two nights of live storytelling this month in NYC. October 21 and October 22 at 8pm. For more information see her blog or send her an email. She is also giving away 2 free tix on her blog, so if you are local (NY, NJ, CT) you can win! If you know you are going to be in the city those dates, go and show your support!

married to the law: is there time for dating?

Relationship got you down? Mine does. We've been in a funk. You know, the whole ships passing in the night scenario. HF has been taking on extra shifts, training, assignments. You name it, if it is available, or someone is needed, he's your guy. That's great and all for his employment, but what about me/us? I like to think of myself as way laid back and cool. The first week of not really seeing him, I think, "I got this. This is not a big deal". During and after the second week, I start to feel a little crazy. Like, let's pack up the car and go stay with my parents crazy, because what is the point of living like this- crazy. I'm definitely Miss Crabby Pants after being alone with the children for days upon end without some sort of break or reinforcements. I notice we will argue more, do our own thing without hardly speaking to one another and I start to feel resentful because dang it! He's supposed to be the one planning all our together time. No. Ideally, we both need to nurture the relationship and take turns making plans. It's not fun when only one person is working on it.

I don't know about you, but having kids has really thrown a wrench into our romantic life. Scheduling a babysitter, babysitters falling through, no family within hundreds or thousands of miles, friends that are just as busy as we are, etc. etc. I know that when you have kids that is just one of those things that comes with the territory. We had a good streak of dating a few months ago with a regular babysitter until said babysitter got a boyfriend that has a checkered past with the law (Trust me, that is definitely a good story for another time). Dating at home when the kids are in bed has been great, but to make a long story short, we need to get out of the house! I'm tired of the excuses and I'm ready for some fun. Like before the kids came along fun.

Thus began a brilliant brainstorm with the assistance of my friend Google. Here's some of my favorite recent discoveries for dating my LEO:

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1.  Plan a YEAR of dates. This is one of HF's Christmas presents this year. I found it here. The idea is that you plan and hopefully prepay for 12 dates, one for each month of the year. I am ambitious, and am going to include two dates for each month! Each month, you open up that month's envelope to see what the surprise is and find a date on the calendar that that works for both of you that month. For some date ideas, she has a link to all the dates they have gone on so far in 2011. Some ideas I have thought of are an overnight stay at a B&B, dinner at a new place, a movie premiere, a concert, volunteering at a soup kitchen. . .

2.  At HOME dates. Another dating resource I discovered from googling is The Dating Divas. They seem to have an endless resource for fun dates out, at home, and with friends. These were some of my favorites:

The Post-It Note Date (great for an at home date)

Sleepover or CampOut Date (another at home date)

For this one I would set up our tent in our living room and use sleeping bags. I like all her other ideas as well. This is great for when you can't do it outdoors like we love to and you have pretty much 6 months of snow...

Host a Chocolate Tasting PARTY. I went to a party like this with my sister when I was visiting Denver and thought it was such a fun idea. You can use chocolates from all over the world and as many varieties as you would like. The winner can take home chocolate. This would be fun with some friends. Everyone can bring appetizers and drinks and we'll call it dinner.

And last but not least, I found this picture via tumblr. This obviously takes little to no planning, and might be a good way for both of you to blow off some steam!

Or you can always practice your new hobby, Wife Carrying, for the 2011 North American Championships coming up. I think we just might try it. If I can convince HF first.

What are your ideas/thoughts on this?

9/11: The 10th Anniversary

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To quote Alan Jackson, "Where were you when the world stopped turning?" I like how everyone shares where they were and what they were doing on this day in 2001. I was 21, at school, sleeping like much of the west coast was still. I remember my roommate waking me up and thinking that it was an elaborate joke. Then when the reality of the situation set in, I was afraid. I wondered to what extent the terrorist attacks would continue that day. I wondered what would happen to our country.

In honor of those who died, here is a link to the complete list of casualties from 9/11. It includes their names, ages, hometowns, and maybe a little about them. It is about 200 pages long.

"hot on your heels"

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Would you wear these stilletos? Apparently these are just a prototype, but the description had me rolling my eyes.

With Tim Cooper's "3D Stiletto Police," the mean streets get a little cleaner with every sassy step you take. They've got all the bells and whistles of a police car with none of the totally unsexy trappings of real police work. These heels have sirens, a shield, a front bumper. The backseat is upholstered with fine Italian leather the likes of which a $2 hooker under a bridge has never seen. For now this police heel is just a prototype, but maybe one they'll enroll in your closet.

Oh please. Of all the ridiculous things. You can see more photos here and read more ridiculous commentary on the shoes. Obviously designed by a guy.