To sum up, I haven't been much of a happy camper lately. I am burned out. Big time. We see HF so little these days, that I jokingly mentioned to a friend that I might as well move somewhere I like, like where there's an ocean, because we would see HF about the same amount of time. Except, I wasn't really joking all that much. Inside, I kind of meant it. Sure, I would miss the shape of his body underneath the comforter as I sneak in and out of our bedroom during the day while he's sleeping, but I am pretty lonely these days. I busy myself with the kids' comings and goings, projects, events, and play dates. I joined a book club, I volunteer my time, I call friends and family members. During quiet evenings when the kids are in bed and HF has rushed out the door, I might prepare myself a beautiful gourmet snack and a hot cup of tea and watch a much anticipated non-cartoon, grownup movie, or delve deeper into a novel on my kindle. I might get caught up on housework, or work on a pinterest (omg pinterest are you on it?!) project I've had my eye on. Sound familiar? Anyone?
On the outside, it might look like I am doing it all. That I'm a Super mom, or at the very least, a contented mom and wife. People say, "Oh I don't know how you do it! I would die if I didn't live near my family so they could help out!", and other similar sentiments. I smile and don't say much, but inside, I am dying. I hate going to events without HF. And to be honest, it's mostly because our kids are a handful when it's just me. Also, whether the kids are with me, or I've gotten a babysitter, I'm a bit shy. I hate to admit it, but HF is sort of a social crutch! It also bothers me that babysitting is so hard to come by. I could really use a break every now and then. And while I'm mentioning what is bothering me, do my friends understand that without a decent amount of notice, babysitting is nearly impossible, especially when you don't live near family? And no, I can't leave them home alone while they are sleeping! I repeat, HF's schedule is from 7pm to 7am.
Another thing you may or may not know about me? I am low maintenance. And HF knows it. He is reminded on a regular basis when his friends' or family members' wives do insane things and call him to tell him about it. I don't ask for much. I 'm not needy, I don't play games, and I certainly don't expect all that much. I am also honest. I tell him exactly what I want. One of those things I tell him I want is words. If you are familiar with the Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman, my love language is primarily Words of Affirmation. For example, our communication has been really off for a couple of months. I am a worrier and a talker and a planner. HF is the strong silent type. If he says one word, "sorry", when necessary, I am putty in his hands. It is far reaching. It covers just about everything without there being a need for much discussion. When he tells me nice things, compliments me, etc. I feel like I'm walking on clouds. Words go a long way and keep me happy. So being married to the strong silent type doesn't afford me a lot of words as you may well imagine.
For many years, I have told HF that a perfect birthday present from him would be a letter. I would take a letter over new furniture or whatever my secret indulgence would be (Don't take my word on that). He never says anything. He never gives me words. And then my friends, on my 32nd birthday that just occured two weeks ago, he presented me with words. He woke me up early on my birthday, plopped down a small stack of starch white paper, leaned over, kissed me, and said, "Happy Birthday". I grabbed it up, sleepy eyes and all, and saw on the cover, "Words". That's all it said. And inside, were the most beautiful, heartfelt spoken words from the most strong and silent man I've ever known. And I'm telling you, those words have given me hope, and they have given me peace. And whatever our issues and struggles may be, we will find a way. That's what words give me. A way.
And since y'all don't know me from Adam, I can rest assure that my sharing a sampling of HF's work won't embarrass either one of us (hopefully). Some of his poems are police related, some of them are personal, some are about me. Here's a poem that sums up this entire post, if you've borne with me this long.
I Need Words (by HF)
I need words she says
Words to tell me what you think of me
But what she's really saying to me is
I want you to tell me how much I am worth to you
I need words she says
Words to tell me what you like about me
But what she's really saying to me is
I want you to tell me I am safe here with you forever
I need words she says
Words to tell me what you think and feel
But what she's really saying to me is
I want you to tell me I am safe in your mind with you forever
I need words she says
I need words
I feel like the next thing that comes out of my mouth had better be amazing
I fumble and say something about her eyes or her nose or her uncanny ability to read people
She smiles tolerantly hoping
I continue citing her remarkable organizational skills. Yeah I went there.
But I have not heard her.
I should have said
You are safe with me in my mind and in my heart forever. You are my other half and I could only love
You as deep as the universe and as wide as eternity.
You are my hope and I love you.
But most of all
I still see the girl I married ten years ago every time I look at you regardless of what is happening around us
And I am always grateful for you














