Sunday, May 3, 2009

a first for me

When HF left for FTO tonight, he said, "See you in the morning", and it hit me like a ton of bricks for the very first time. All these racing thoughts went through my mind. Here's a sample which may or may not be slightly exaggerated:
This could be the last time I see him. What do I say? Do we do what they do in the movies where they clasp hands sobbing and pledge to love one another forever and that even if one of has to die, we will go on loving each other and will watch from up above, and then I cut a lock of my hair and soak it with tears and kisses before placing it in his hand? Do I fall to his feet sobbing and apologize for how mad I was at him earlier for not caring about the food and decorations at his party on Friday?
Instead I just said, "Have fun!". But on a more serious note, I was contemplative for a while after he left thinking about not so much what I say specifically when he walks out the door every night for work, but more what I'm doing each day so that if he doesn't walk back through that door in the morning I don't have regrets. I don't want to be Deb the Downer, I just want to have a plan for the what ifs. It kind of feels surreal right now. I've been expecting this, I've been waiting a long time for him to start working as an officer, and now that it is here, and he is leaving the house in a bullet proof vest, I just found myself a little stunned tonight. What do you say? How do you NOT think about the worst case scenario? So this is a first for me.

I know I need to read a few police books. They are on my list. But right now I'm still trudging my way through HF's On Combat. It's a really good book, it's just taking me forever.

So here's the question: What do YOU say when you say "goodbye" when you or your loved one is heading to work? Is it "see ya later"? Or are you more of the dramatic type like in my racing thoughts mentioned above.


john said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Constable said...

Sorry about the above, posted with a private e-mail address that had my name all over it.

Eventually it will become so routine that you won't even think about it. I can't remember the number of times I have rushed out on a short shift change with just a hurried "see you later". Just don't ever leave for work with bad air between you HF, that goes for you too Mrs HF.

Congrats on the progress and good luck.


Slamdunk said...

Good topic Mrs.--something that I never really thought about when that was part of my world. Most of the time, it was just a simple "I love you," a kiss, and then off to work.

Depending on what was going on that night, I would usually call and talk to her a few minutes so I think that helped as well.

I just still can't get over that you were the foot holder for situps. I was stuck with the couch for that--but it likely had more to do with the funk of my feet than anything.

Dori said...

A kiss and a hug with an "I love you...see you in the morning". We usually all watch him drive off too--the baby waving bye and then we get on with our routine. And, yes, we have a "plan" in place and I hope to God we never have to use it.

Oh, and I helped my husband with his situps too--even threw in an occasional flash just to keep him motivated.:D

Momma Val said...

In the beginning I used to feel like that really bad. It's always in the back of my mind but the only way I can function is to assume he will be back and the likeliness that he does return is pretty good. Think he wants a dramatic sendoff every time but I cannot live like that. I say, be careful, love you, that kind of thing. I do other odd little things like save some voicemails from him on my cell or save his voice on my sons recording toy. It would be helpful for you to read some married to the law type books. I went to the reference librarian at my library and she rounded up several from different libraries for me. Skimmed through some and read some other chapters. Good thing :)

Stephanie said...

To say "you'll get use to it" sounds kinda harsh, but... you do.

This is how it goes: EVERYTIME!
Josh: Kiss "Bye, Baby",
Me: Kiss "Have fun",
Josh: Kiss "I'll miss you",
Me: Kiss "I will miss you! PLEASE Be safe"
Josh: Kiss "I will. See you soon. I'll call you"
Me: "Love you"
Josh: "Love you"


Then he walks out the door as Alyse and I wave.

It is also important to talk during the day. If he is going to a warrant or some kind of "operation" he always tells me about it first. He also tells me when he is done.

Ok... this has gotten to be really long, but I wanted to take a minute to thank you so much for all your kind comments on my blog! I have loved getting to know you and I am glad that we have run into each other in this crazy blog world!

Kimber said...

This is one area I never struggled with oddly. We keep is casual, quick love you and bye and he's out the door. Now when I do get a little anxious (which is rare, but happens once a year) I take in a gift to him at the office or I bake treats for everyone.

Actually, whenever I miss him too much I bake his favorite plum pie or something else he loves and I take it into the office for him to share with everyone. He likes to share and brag up the treats and he is always so happy when he gets home. My way to reminding him I love him without bugging him.

I love your dramatic thoughts you had, I remember that from the beginning. Now we joke that if he dies in bed I'm going to have to stuff him into his uniform, shove him in his care and turn on the ignition so I can collect from the city. I think we have a bit too much of the "cop morbid humor" going on around here!

Lisa E said...

When he first started, I felt quite dramatic, similar to what you're going through. But you'll be surprised how quickly it becomes routine. The more he walks back in the door after his shift, the easier it will be to watch him walk out the door to the next one.

We now have a simple rule: no leaving for shift without a "goodbye, I love you" kiss. It's as simple as that. And while it still represents something very weighty, it's easy as pie to see him off.

It will get easier; just keep at it!

Erin said...

A couple of times after he's left, I've realized that I barely looked up from what I had been doing to shout "bye!" as he walked out the door. Hate. That.

We always kiss, say our i love yous, I throw in a "be careful," and if it's a time of day when we're all awake, the baby and I stand at the door waving.

The Happy Medic said...

HM - Godbye sweetie, I love you
Mrs HM - I love you, be safe
HM - I will
All you need, really.

Librarian-In-Training said...

Hi Mrs. Fuzz!

Every morning since the academy started for my CopHubby I have been asleep when he has gotten up to get ready to go. He always comes and gives me a kiss and we tell each other, "I love you!" and I always have ended the conversation with, "Be safe!"

I didn't realize how important to him those two words were to him until I forgot to say them one morning. As he walked towards our door, he stayed there and waited and waited. I lifted my head and told him I loved him again and he still wasn't satisfied. I then asked him if he forgot something and in fact I had forgotten to say, "Be safe!" I said those two words and he left with a smile. :)

I had no idea how important those two phrases were to him. Now I know! I don't think I have fully been able to grasp the life that will be ours in a few short days. I am definitely nervous and excited, like you! :)

The crazy Shaw Family said...

At 3 am, its kinda hard to remember my name, let alone why he's leaving. lol. But I always say "Be safe, I love you." He kisses me goodbye even if I am totally asleep. When he first started, he forgot one morning, and I ended up freaking out, and driving 20 minutes to get a kiss and an "I love you" from him at 7 am. Weird, I know, but he has never forgotten since!!

Meadowlark said...

Maybe because we had flight ops before he became an officer, but Goodbye's are always just goodbye.

That said, on SWAT calls I do demand that he call me before he goes on a call. PERIOD. CALL ME. You are NOT too busy.

Natalie said...

Ditto pretty much to all the above. And Kimber's plum pies are to DIE FOR! ;) I guess we've inherited that same morbid cop humor because I just tell him that I'll be able to pay off all of our debt if anything happens to him by cashing in his life insurance policy.

All joking aside, if he doesn't give me a kiss before leaving for work, it's a bad day/night (whatever the shift he's on) for both of us.

One Time said...

You can't worry about stuff like that. It'll consume you. Ultimately, when it's your time to go, it's your time to go. It's wise to do your best, become tactically proficient, etc., etc., but you can't worry about the what ifs.