secrets that are still secret because you don't really know me

I am finally on the mend. HF still feels pretty lousy, and now the kids are sick, so I have been pretty busy taking care of these people and saying, "poor little bunny" to HF every so often. I would say it's been nice having him at home all week, but it hasn't. He's been so sick and in bed all day and night. It's kind of nice to be back on our routine somewhat. I am in the living room, watching a movie, wearing a face mask, eating things I don't let anyone else eat during the day. You know. Things I don't do when HF is here. Unfortunately, he has gone back to work still not feeling well.

A few days ago, I rolled over to face HF in bed and saw that his nightstand and the floor were littered with tissues, medicine, police equipment, a giant pile of clothes (including an old green military jumpsuit that he actually put on the other day to wear around the house "because it's comfortable" and "it easily zips and unzips'), and other objects. He even had a box full of garbage next to his side of the bed that he was using to throw his tissues in, if they even made it in. Because I'm a bit of a neat freak, I said in disgust, as I hacked up a lung, "you know, a little piece of me dies inside when I look at your side of the room and the mess you've made of it". He said half asleep, with his voice barely there, "Every time you complain about my side of the room, somewhere a kitten dies". "That's messed up" I wheezed, then sneezed, and we both rolled away from each other. HF back to his snoring, and me to gaze at the beauty and cleanliness of my side.

I haven't been in much of a "talkative" mood these past few days, but I've got a few things on my mind. I've had a burst of energy today. I started getting caught up on blogs, I started deep cleaning the kitchen, and the whole house really, cloroxing the germs. I even set up our Christmas tree without lights and decorations so I won't have to later on. I know, it's nuts. I also hung up HF's academy awards in nice frames, and other plaques, and diplomas he's received in our office. I'm trying to make the office sort of his room where his life's accomplishments are on display. I guess I'm doing it now because I have the energy and we get sick a lot in the winter, and in the back of my mind it's because HF's dad and stepmom will be here the first week of December and I want everything "perfect". So the brown smeared hand prints going up and down the stairwells about the same height as a certain 3 year old will be wiped clean. That sort of thing.

I finished reading the third Harry Potter book and am watching the corresponding movie right now as we speak! To tell you the truth, this is my first attempt at reading the Harry Potter series. It's not that I was against them, I just didn't have any interest. I saw the books everywhere for years. People seemed to talk about the stories constantly, but it just never held my interest. We even have the books given to us by my mother, but still never picked one up. I even remember having a conversation with someone once and they mentioned some specific event that occurred in the series and I had no idea what they were talking about. Maybe it was in my own mind mostly, but they didn't have anything to say to me after they found out I hadn't read the Harry Potter series. The nerve! And to top it all off, I happened to be at Borders Books the very night one of the books was being released and even though it was well before midnight, all the wizards were there getting ready for the party. I was browsing in the children's picture book section, and I noticed all these acne-laced teenagers dressed like nerdy wizards sitting in the aisles, laying on the floors, and it was shocking. I really thought I had been living under a rock after having my baby because I had totally missed that teenagers these days were now dressing like wizards. Nerdy wizards was the new goth. I remember calling HF and whispering what I was seeing, and of course, he was like, "Duh. It's the midnight releasing of Harry Potter." Then I said accusingly, "You would know, wouldn't you!" (he would) and hung up. I went to the midnight showing of the first Harry Potter movie with HF. I remember I was pregnant with our first child, and I was tired and uncomfortable and annoyed at all the wizards. We were there with other couples that were fans and I just played along, but once it got dark inside I snoozed. These are the secrets I am referring to in the title of this post. These are the things I cannot tell our friends and family out of fear of being rejected. But, I now have the interest. And they are fun. Even hard to put down. And I don't have to go to the library or to Blockbuster to get the books or movies because everyone has them.


I'm not the kind of girl that gets together with other girls to spill the beans about our feelings. I'm known in my circle of friends as someone that takes a long time to open up. That doesn't mean I'm not sociable and all that, I just like to keep my personal feelings to myself. But I will say it here. I love having babies. I love being pregnant. I don't know if we'll have any more kids. We think we might like to have 4 in all. I have a bit of a hard time when they grow up, but I am enjoying the ages of my children and what that brings for the most part.

And finally something police related. HF does not tell people that he's a cop.While I understand his reasons why, sometimes I get annoyed when he goes out of his way to avoid telling certain people that he's a cop. I don't remember the cops I've known through my life keeping it a secret. I understand that sometimes it's for security reasons. Sometimes it's to prevent the annoying questions and pestering, but I feel like I can't freely tell people what HF does for a living. It's not that I want to go about proclaiming what he does, it just bothers me that I can't mention what he does when someone asks without feeling a little apprehensive. I'm wondering if it's a rookie thing. Maybe after a while he won't be on edge so much. I think he also doesn't want to appear as though he's cocky.

We have a neighbor that is a former foster kid. She's around my age, but has had a very rough and difficult life. I talk to her almost every day, but I've never mentioned what HF does for a living. She loves the kids in the neighborhood and always hollers at the cars that drive by too fast. Anyway, I was out on a walk recently with the kids and stopped to chat. She brought up neighborhood crime and mentioned that there's been a police car parking out in front of her house lately (Not HF's by the way). At this point, HF skateboards over to where we are just in time to hear our neighbor say, "[name of our city] cops are so mean!!!" I was about to say, "Oh, HF is one of those mean ones", but I stopped myself and decided to see what HF would say instead. He just smiled big at her and said, "I know! They are!" and left it at that. I know he wouldn't have a problem with her knowing, he's just not going to offer up that information without a little prodding I guess. I guess we are both still adjusting to the newness of it all.

HF leaves next week for RAD training. He misses Halloween with the kids and baby's first birthday. It will be our first time changing a birthday to fit our schedule. I think I might be attending a Halloween party by myself too. I'm really bummed about that. I don't really want to go without HF. It seems weird, but it's a big deal to my friend and she wants me to come even if he's not going to be there. So we'll see about that.