Saturday, October 24, 2009

secrets that are still secret because you don't really know me

I am finally on the mend. HF still feels pretty lousy, and now the kids are sick, so I have been pretty busy taking care of these people and saying, "poor little bunny" to HF every so often. I would say it's been nice having him at home all week, but it hasn't. He's been so sick and in bed all day and night. It's kind of nice to be back on our routine somewhat. I am in the living room, watching a movie, wearing a face mask, eating things I don't let anyone else eat during the day. You know. Things I don't do when HF is here. Unfortunately, he has gone back to work still not feeling well.

A few days ago, I rolled over to face HF in bed and saw that his nightstand and the floor were littered with tissues, medicine, police equipment, a giant pile of clothes (including an old green military jumpsuit that he actually put on the other day to wear around the house "because it's comfortable" and "it easily zips and unzips'), and other objects. He even had a box full of garbage next to his side of the bed that he was using to throw his tissues in, if they even made it in. Because I'm a bit of a neat freak, I said in disgust, as I hacked up a lung, "you know, a little piece of me dies inside when I look at your side of the room and the mess you've made of it". He said half asleep, with his voice barely there, "Every time you complain about my side of the room, somewhere a kitten dies". "That's messed up" I wheezed, then sneezed, and we both rolled away from each other. HF back to his snoring, and me to gaze at the beauty and cleanliness of my side.

I haven't been in much of a "talkative" mood these past few days, but I've got a few things on my mind. I've had a burst of energy today. I started getting caught up on blogs, I started deep cleaning the kitchen, and the whole house really, cloroxing the germs. I even set up our Christmas tree without lights and decorations so I won't have to later on. I know, it's nuts. I also hung up HF's academy awards in nice frames, and other plaques, and diplomas he's received in our office. I'm trying to make the office sort of his room where his life's accomplishments are on display. I guess I'm doing it now because I have the energy and we get sick a lot in the winter, and in the back of my mind it's because HF's dad and stepmom will be here the first week of December and I want everything "perfect". So the brown smeared hand prints going up and down the stairwells about the same height as a certain 3 year old will be wiped clean. That sort of thing.

I finished reading the third Harry Potter book and am watching the corresponding movie right now as we speak! To tell you the truth, this is my first attempt at reading the Harry Potter series. It's not that I was against them, I just didn't have any interest. I saw the books everywhere for years. People seemed to talk about the stories constantly, but it just never held my interest. We even have the books given to us by my mother, but still never picked one up. I even remember having a conversation with someone once and they mentioned some specific event that occurred in the series and I had no idea what they were talking about. Maybe it was in my own mind mostly, but they didn't have anything to say to me after they found out I hadn't read the Harry Potter series. The nerve! And to top it all off, I happened to be at Borders Books the very night one of the books was being released and even though it was well before midnight, all the wizards were there getting ready for the party. I was browsing in the children's picture book section, and I noticed all these acne-laced teenagers dressed like nerdy wizards sitting in the aisles, laying on the floors, and it was shocking. I really thought I had been living under a rock after having my baby because I had totally missed that teenagers these days were now dressing like wizards. Nerdy wizards was the new goth. I remember calling HF and whispering what I was seeing, and of course, he was like, "Duh. It's the midnight releasing of Harry Potter." Then I said accusingly, "You would know, wouldn't you!" (he would) and hung up. I went to the midnight showing of the first Harry Potter movie with HF. I remember I was pregnant with our first child, and I was tired and uncomfortable and annoyed at all the wizards. We were there with other couples that were fans and I just played along, but once it got dark inside I snoozed. These are the secrets I am referring to in the title of this post. These are the things I cannot tell our friends and family out of fear of being rejected. But, I now have the interest. And they are fun. Even hard to put down. And I don't have to go to the library or to Blockbuster to get the books or movies because everyone has them.

I'm not the kind of girl that gets together with other girls to spill the beans about our feelings. I'm known in my circle of friends as someone that takes a long time to open up. That doesn't mean I'm not sociable and all that, I just like to keep my personal feelings to myself. But I will say it here. I love having babies. I love being pregnant. I don't know if we'll have any more kids. We think we might like to have 4 in all. I have a bit of a hard time when they grow up, but I am enjoying the ages of my children and what that brings for the most part.

And finally something police related. HF does not tell people that he's a cop.While I understand his reasons why, sometimes I get annoyed when he goes out of his way to avoid telling certain people that he's a cop. I don't remember the cops I've known through my life keeping it a secret. I understand that sometimes it's for security reasons. Sometimes it's to prevent the annoying questions and pestering, but I feel like I can't freely tell people what HF does for a living. It's not that I want to go about proclaiming what he does, it just bothers me that I can't mention what he does when someone asks without feeling a little apprehensive. I'm wondering if it's a rookie thing. Maybe after a while he won't be on edge so much. I think he also doesn't want to appear as though he's cocky.

We have a neighbor that is a former foster kid. She's around my age, but has had a very rough and difficult life. I talk to her almost every day, but I've never mentioned what HF does for a living. She loves the kids in the neighborhood and always hollers at the cars that drive by too fast. Anyway, I was out on a walk recently with the kids and stopped to chat. She brought up neighborhood crime and mentioned that there's been a police car parking out in front of her house lately (Not HF's by the way). At this point, HF skateboards over to where we are just in time to hear our neighbor say, "[name of our city] cops are so mean!!!" I was about to say, "Oh, HF is one of those mean ones", but I stopped myself and decided to see what HF would say instead. He just smiled big at her and said, "I know! They are!" and left it at that. I know he wouldn't have a problem with her knowing, he's just not going to offer up that information without a little prodding I guess. I guess we are both still adjusting to the newness of it all.

HF leaves next week for RAD training. He misses Halloween with the kids and baby's first birthday. It will be our first time changing a birthday to fit our schedule. I think I might be attending a Halloween party by myself too. I'm really bummed about that. I don't really want to go without HF. It seems weird, but it's a big deal to my friend and she wants me to come even if he's not going to be there. So we'll see about that.


Anonymous said...

Absolutely adorable kiddos. Coincidently, my boy is 6 and my girl is 4, if you ever decide to consider those arranged marriage things.

Sorry you're beginning to experience how the job's need of him becomes your sacrifice... it's why military and police families are unlike any others. I think some pride can be taken in that.

Damsel Underdressed said...

The little Fuzzes are cute!!!

I need a good book to read. I'm waiting for a client to finish The Lost Symbol but I'm bored. Maybe I'll run down to my neighbor's house and grab the first Harry Potter. You've got me thinking about that...

Julie said...

Glad to hear that you're on the mend - hope the rest of the family is back well again soon!

Cute kids :)

LOUDnPROUD♥MĂ“KneeKah said...

Glad your all feeling better,sadly my kids have all started and are all laying around sick,they arent as young as yours so that makes it easier to take care of them,the DH on the other hand,lol,tg he hasnt caught it YET!
I hate having to pick up used tissue,makes me want to frowup as the kids say!
I could never get into Harry Potter,and I did try,I love to read but all the gibberish they spoke not for me!hope you enjoy it.
You'll learn after a while who to tell or not,takes practice,sometimes its for our benefit as well,I become a little defensive if people start talking crap about the police especially if they know your man is one,those are the ones you don't want to know!

Meadowlark said...

I'd say it's NOT a rookie thing. When it comes up Husband says "I work for the city" and leaves it at that, hoping they'll think Public Works or something. If pressed he now can say "I'm a computer guy" since he's computer forensics. Rarely does he say "I'm a detective".

Green jumpsuit? Do you mean FLIGHTSUIT???? Holy Cow Woman!! Those are the hottest things this side of well... just about anyplace. Husband has none left as he used them for working on cars, but I used to SWOON when he wore one. ;)

Appreciate the sharing on all of it.. I'm the opposite, I overshare everything! :)

mrs. fuzz said...

christopher- Perfect! Arranged marriage is definitely an option for us, but you'll have to get in line. There's a little boy named Bradley with a lisp that wants to marry Daisy and Luke, well, he's a player. He hugs and touches every girl about his size that walks by. They don't seem to mind. So far.

Also, you know, as frustrating as the scheduling with the job can be, there's nothing more satisfying than making it work. So yeah, definitely some pride in that.

Damsel- you should totally read them. then you can relate to more people! It's working wonders for me! :)

Julie- thanks!

L and P- used tissues make me want to frowup too. I am experiencing for the first time all the negative crap people say about LEOs. I guess I was oblivious before and now it makes me upset because it's my husband they're talking about! I have more to say about this in a future post.

Meadowlark- YES!! It's a flightsuit! It doesn't do anything for me sadly, but he loves that thing.

Also, that's exactly what HF tells people. "I work for the city". Then I stand there rolling my eyes as it becomes, "well what do you do for the city?" and then he tries out a couple more misgivings ("I help people") until finally he's forced to say he's an LEO if he's still having the conversation.

I'm glad to hear that it's normal and other people say they just work for the city.

now a shoulder holster with a wife beater (bruce willis style) would make me swoon. . .

not really. I'm kidding. But now that I'm thinking about it, it probably would. . .

mrsofficer said...

Mrs.Fuzz sadly we were some of those people at the midnight release of the HP books! We actually took our nieces aswell.Haha they made wands and there was a guy dressed as Dumbledorf(spelling)lol It was something special we did for our first son.He wasn't fond of reading so my hubby read those to him everynight and soon the kid read and read all on his own.When the movies come out we are there at the first showings.I have not read the books and my son will critic movies and say oh thats diff,in the book.Well I love those books for making my son suchan advanced reader.He reads at fr college level and he is in the 7th grade.They are pretty interesting once you watch the movies. As far as the hubby and the jumpsuit lol mine is the same,I just try to get him to not wear those interesting outfits outside! His thing is socks on the floor like right next to the hamper apparently its too hard to put them in err...Your kids are adorable...We are hoping for one more aswell. We really have alot incommon.Thanks so much for opening up.... :) ps I think you cold made it all the way over here.Im just trying to keep my germs away from the kids

Dori said...

Yea for being on the mend!

It took me a couple years after they came out to pick up a Harry Potter book--but then I was hooked.

My sister gave me a copy of Twilight for my birthday when the baby was born. It took me a few months to get around to it and by the time I read it I was so out of touch that I had no idea it was as big as it was.

Flexible schedules. All part of the package. Sometimes it sucks, sometimes it doesn't.

Are you guys having an early or late birthday party?

911 and the Randomness.. said...

Yipee! Glad that you are feeling better! My DH says just the same thing, "I work for the city" no matter who it is.
Thanks for opening up and sharing your secrets! Your kids are adorable, DH and I are going to start trying in about 5-6months.. I'm getting excited!! But we aren't really telling anyone yet.. So there's my secret :)
As for them missing holidays, you'll get used to it. Just make sure he takes off for your Birthday!!

Slamdunk said...

glad you are feeling better. i understand HF's decision not to share his profession with others.

unfortunately, i had a take-home unit, so it was difficult to avoid attention.

Momma Val said...

Oh, so glad everyone is feeling a little better. I feel that I can tend to share some things on my blog that I don't to friends and vice versa. I think being a cops wife and a sahm can be VERY isolating. Oh and I am not the happy to be pregnant and give birth girl. If I wasn't high risk and all that goes with it perhaps I'd feel different. Some of my friends love it and talk about the special treatment and I honestly go nuts when I cannot lift or do things. I am soooooo relieved when Cop Dad does NOT tell people what he does. For awhile I felt like he was kinda showing off and then just wanted to talk about it everywhere we went and we had just ahd our first and we were kind of in the shadows. Then too, I think, some times people just keep talking and asking about stuff and he would want the conversation to end and they'd keep at it. Not everybody loves cops so I am happy when we do not advertise it. It's not safe either, we are VERY anonymous and I got rid of Facebook, LE plates, published phone number, and then changed our addresses on licenses to the PD. I could go on but you get the idea. The schedule thing does stink. It is really sucky sometimes and then other times it just works to create another arrangement. This year hoping nobody thinks I am dragging my newborn, toddler, and cesarean incision to anybody's Christmas without him. No thanks! Just rearrange, honestly it sometimes works out for the best to do outings and go out to eat and such for special times when everyone else is NOT. But then there are times it just sucks and I want to cry . . . . . and I do, I am not Wonder Woman. Hang in there! Most of us have felt your pain at some time or another. This is Cop Dad's first Halloween off since he started :) Thanks for sharing your secrets. I did not read the HP books but loved the movies and do NOT get the whole Twilight thing at all. Hooray for doing all the busy stuff lately! I like to do that often when I have something bugging me too. Oh and I died when you guys had your messy bedside dialogue. Kittens? Sheesh! lol

Anonymous said...

Thanks for sharing with us! I for one, feel honored.

Oh, and, I did like the Harry Potter books but I absolutely don't hold it against anyone that doesn't. That's silly. Everyone has differnt taste.

Erin said...

Noah tells people if they ask (plus he has a take-home car), but he says it's kind of annoying when people find out what he does because the conversation tends to settle on that.

However, the other day Noah found a card on his windsheild. Some local family had written a thank you note ("Dear Officer..." it began) in appreciation of all he does to help keep the city safe.

So, sometimes, there are perks.

Natalie said...

I've attended multiple midnight releases of the books but the only midnight releases I've gone to have been for the Return of the King (BIG Lord of the Rings fans here, though we never dress-up) and Twilight (again, never dress up but can't WAIT for the midnight movie release!)

We were in Scotland visiting when the 5th Harry Potter came out, so it was fun to get a British version as well as the American copy.

As for not readily admitting to being an LEO, there's some intelligence in that because we're OVER informative on it, thinking that it will make people show better respect towards the position since they respected us before the job, but that's not always the case. Sometimes they see it as an exhibition of power in which we're showing off how cool we are.

True, it's one of the coolest jobs out there, but little do they know all the sacrifices that come with it (like re-arranging birthdays, holidays, etc...). It's not something they'll sympathize with because they don't really care. It's easier to see the badge and not the human behind it.

Good luck with getting the sickies completely out of the house! Yay for feeling better and the energy that comes with it!

firefighter / paramedic said...

So its good to return to bloglife and see that my favorite are still here and blogging. 1. Sorry to hear that you guys have been sick. Its a bummer and I am just waiting for that to happen here. 2. everyone will adjust to the public safety version of the holidays. It may take a while (like my wife) but it will happen and it just seems to make our lives more unique. 3. I think its cool that HF skateboards. I recently met a co worker at the skate park to remind ourselves we are far too old for skate parks.