Wednesday, January 12, 2011

a peaceful police wife

image credit here
It's been almost 2 years since I started this blog. That means it's been almost 2 years since HF has been workin' da streets. The other day both HF and myself had a realization at the exact same moment! I don't know what you call that, but there should be an expression for it.

We were on the phone. HF was explaining to me why he wasn't home yet. He was going on and on in detail about what happened and what he was doing and why. Months ago I would've expected nothing less. I mean, one of the biggest issues in a relationship, is people not calling and telling the other person what in sam hill is going on when they are not where they're supposed to be, right? Anyway, if you hadn't already guessed, HF is more of the strong and silent type and I have to squeeze the details out of him.

So, HF is giving me more details than I could ever hope for, then it clicked. I blurted out, "No need to explain. I got it." There was silence on the other end, but no hurt or confusion. HF said, "Really? Cool" And that was that. He got back to work and I went back to man handling and yelling at the kids my yoga and meditation.

So what I'm saying is we reached one of those glorious steps in LEO life. Don't get me wrong. I am still unsure about many things and always have a million questions for HF. I admit there are certain things that I have been difficult about and have misunderstood in regards to the job (such as HF's sleep schedule, and "do you have to wear your gun everywhere" sort of things), but for the most part everything has been easy for me to accept. But it really felt good to be able to tell HF that he didn't have to explain everything. I also knew that when he had the time, or when he was ready, that he would talk to me or answer any questions I might have. This is also a big deal because it means that I am less likely to ask "why" if were somewhere, say at a movie theater, and he says, "we need to go now". I know he has worried about that with me. But like I said, it clicked. I know I can ask questions later.

I guess that's what I'm trying to say. This thing that clicked is more of an overarching understanding of the lifestyle. All this blabbering to get to the point. Trust. I trust him enough to not have to ask a million questions (until later). I trust him to do the right thing in any given situation. He doesn't have to explain himself to me constantly. I get it. I trust him. At work and at home.

Maybe this all sounds ridiculous, but it felt really good! The next day I asked him if he noticed that he doesn't have to explain so much to me anymore. He said he did notice that. We both nodded with knowing satisfaction. It's those litte milestones sometimes, you know?

What are some of your small (or big) moments like this?


suz said...

It's also called maturity. (If you two weren't so closely connected, if might be avoidance or fear of his wrath.) In the big picture, you don't need every detail right now, and I'll bet my last dollar that your husband appreciates not having to coddle you while he's trying to work. Every cop should have that kind of support from his/her spouse. I don't know how old you are, but you've got your head on straight.

mrs. fuzz said...

Re-reading this post this morning makes me see that it was my fears in general that were causing me not to trust. So with the fears gone, I am able to trust.

Meadowlark said...

Congrats! Now change your "...brand spankin' new..." comment in your profile. You're an old hand now. :)

Milestones here? Um... other than prepping to leave SWAT and realizing that he's loving the computer forensics thing and foregoing the "cool guy" stuff... that'll be a big change here, but if it makes him happy who am I to complain? (about the loss of my swatgod? sigh....)

Anonymous said...

Good to hear you're reaching that place.

Sarah said...

I think the reason why LEO marriages are tougher than the general public (at least according to our divorce rates, HA!) is the level of trust required. And it's at every level....I don't know a lot of things about the nature of my husband's job (national security and all that jazz) but I have to trust him when things don't make sense, even if I'll never get an explanation.
That's where my faith usually comes in. I don't have so much trust in my husband, but I trust that God has him under control and can take care of it.

Covering Blue said...

It's good to hear that you've reached that milestone because it gives me hope that I can get there too :)

Momma Hen said...

First, excellent post. Having that kind of trust and confidence in your husband is so freeing!
Second, I literally was laughing out loud at the man handling/yelling at the kids (, meditating) line. Seriously... :)

Kennyo said...

I was asked to Pick "stylish Blogs" I took that as "interesting blogs"
I selected your blog
You can go to to read about it, kinda fun

911 and the Randomness.. said...

That's awesome!!
I remember finally understanding that my LEO wasn't going to tell me each detail and I'd probably find out from his friend. It was hard, but I realized that he didn't want to share all the things about his day when he got home. It wasn't that he was hiding, he just didn't want to relive the bad things at home where he felt safe.


Hogdayafternoon said...

I was once telling my niece (2 yrs younger than me so practically a sister that I never had)about a bad day involving a really bad corpse, followed by a cot-death(SIDS) and ending up with me being called out with my TFU (SWAT) team to a barricaded, armed man. They weren't all like that, but this was just one of those odd, non-stop shitty-job days. She said, Oh my God, how on earth could `my Ex` have possibly understood all that going on in your head. She was right. So to all you police `significant others` I say, bless you all for being there.

Rebecca said...

cool that's fab. We got to that point around the 2nd year too. Now he knows what not to tell me and what he really ought-a. I love his stories but I also realize there is always going to be part of it I don't get. Like he won't really get my struggles at home [to the T] and that's ok.
Whoot! Am happy for you guys. PS I love reading your blog. One of my faves!

Jenney said...

Always good to note milestones! You do need to change your "About Me" though. You are so not brand spankin' new! You are a veteran (sorta) at this :o)
Thanks for the great post.

Momma Fargo said...

Ditto what suz said. Glad for you. It's a good feeling in a marriage. Rock on!

Simply Complicated said...

You made me think about what's different for US now from when we started... a LOT! 5 years ago my husband would come home from his shift and fill me in on everything and I asked all kinds of questions - wanted to know every detail. Now I actually ask for LESS detail, lol! I'm supportive, he knows that, and I'm not saying that we NEVER talk about work by any means. But it hit us a while back that he works SO much, and then more, and then comes home and TALKS about work (whether venting or cool stories...) and there's a point where they really don't ever "leave" work. Law enforcement is more than a job, it's a lifestyle. So this is a delicate balance... but we're working on leaving work at work. Which means that yes - sometimes I hear his stories for the first time when he's telling someone else...which can bite a little bit but I just remind myself that I want MORE than just a cop for a husband - I want the guy I fell in love with and married BEFORE he was a cop too! :-) Hmmm, I may have to blog about this too!

Ann T. said...

Dear Mrs. Fuzz,
It's true--you're not brand spankin' new--but I always loved that phrase in your "About Me".

I think it should say: I started this blog in 2008 when I was a brand spankin' new cop wife . . .

I am crazy about you and lo-o-o-ve this post!

Best to HF and all the family,
Ann T.

tired.dispatcher said...

I just celebrated 31 years married to an officer. Unlike your hubby, mine isn't always forthcoming about what happened at work. Even though I work LE, too. I learned how to read the stress of his shift by how long he spent in the garage working on his radio control airplanes. The worse the night, the longer he spent out there until he was ready to come in. A LE family has to make special accomodations for the LE member. Like the military, there is the solider out in the field, and the family who soldiers on at home. No different for LEO.