Friday, July 23, 2010

Form letter I: background checks

Dear (family, friends, neighbors, etc.)

It is with deep (sadness, regret, reluctance, displeasure, joy, frustration, etc.) to inform you that I will not be able to perform that background check on your (mother's boyfriend, daughter's boyfriend, roommate, tentative employee, neighbor, etc.) that you asked if I could conduct multiple times.

For future reference, I will not be able to perform background checks on your (mother's boyfriend, daughter's boyfriend, roommate, tentative employee, neighbor, etc.) at any time in the future due to the user agreement that I signed upon becoming a sworn officer. I can't do this ("just this once", or "without anyone knowing", or "in 30 seconds or less", or "because I'm your mother").

Performing an unauthorized background check would be unethical and violate the oath that I have taken to protect and uphold the constitution of the United States. It also is a violation of the civil rights of the individual you would have me check. Not only would I hate myself for breaking the law, but I would risk unemployment and decertification. Not to mention the humiliation and shame heaped upon me by my fellow law enforcement officials. I would also lose the trust of the general public. You wouldn't want that to happen to me, would you?

Just thought you should know,

Your (friend, son, brother, sister, spouse, neighbor, girlfriend, boyfriend, roommate, etc.)

Officer (fill in the blank)


Yellow said...

LOL Ohh wow, I love it! Just last night I was writing a blog post called "What you can and cannot call my husband at home for." The top of the list was getting out of tickets, I never did think of this! Gosh and he has had it happen to him a few times! Wow! I love it. I should have him print it out to have ready!

Momma Fargo said...

Isn't that the truth!

Slamdunk said...

Hilarious. Thanks for the clarification before I send any email background check requests your way...

Ann T. said...

Dear Mrs. Fuzz,
Thank you! I am really hoping nobody ever takes away my civil rights. And thank you, Officer Fuzz, for protecting same.

Plus, that way you will never find out about the assault charge against me that involved a bowl of cold spaghetti, five Hostess Dingdongs, and a can of dog food.
(Kidding. Really).

Ann T.

P.S. I do think if people thought about it, they wouldn't want this under the auspices of the Golden Rule. Ah, well, my naivete is intact.

Mommy to Monkeys said...


Handcuffed Heart said...

We had someone call our house around midnight once to ask what they should do if their mom was being abused by their dad who lived hours away from where we live and no where near the jurisdiction my husband works.

There was not a lot my DH could do about that...

Christopher said...

Nor can an officer run the registration of that hot blond that just passed in the lipstick red Camaro.

Unless there's a violation of some sort, of course.

Disclaimer: Any comments suggesting any sort of official misconduct are in jest. Really.

CM said...

Ha! Too funny, yet so true!

jediwife said...

The prospective dates, fiances, in-laws and under-the-table employers of the world, be warned!!