cops: what society thinks you do

I got this from police wife, A Thin Blue Line. I'm sure some of you have seen the various memes like this out there about different professions. It was just a matter of time before someone created one about cops, right? I thought this was pretty funny. You can probably think of a few images you might replace up above, but I would say it's pretty accurate for the most part. Wouldn't you?

How to scare the crap out of your spouse

Rescue Randy

Borrow one of these from one of your paramedic buddies. After your shift is over at 4 am, bring it home and put it in your wife's office. Then when your wife takes your toddler back to bed after one of his nightly visits and she passes by the office and sees the silhouette of a man, she will have a heart attack.

HF brought this home last night and everytime I walk into the office, my heart briefly stops beating until I realize that it's not a real human. HF said that he was going to put it in the back of the van sitting up, but he was afraid I would wreck the car. He isn't borrowing it for work related reasons. He's a scout leader (yes let's add that to his list of things that he does) and he's using it this week for something scout related. I can't wait for it to get out of here. The kids are also equally freaked by it.

There's no picture of this, but the other thing you can do do scare the crap out of your spouse, is bring home a big box that has hazard stickers and other codes on it and state that it's a box of grenades and has to be stored inside the house. Okay, if you haven't figured it out by now, I'm the kind of person that worries about our gas heater exploding and blowing up our house and our bodies in the process. I also worry about toilet snakes, the garbage disposal randomly going off, and other not likely spontaneous combustions. So all I could do was watch in concern as HF placed this box up on a high bookshelf. Then I asked him if they would explode. He laughed and said they were locked, etc. That's not good enough for me. I pretty much obsessed about it the whole day until he took them with him the next day.  They came home with him every night for a whole week. I had bags under my eyes and a sore neck. I hate grenades. Even if they are flash bang grenades.

I know he has plans for that dummy for the next few days. It is written in his face. That means I will be sleeping with one eye open this week.

fuzz funnies

Luke (5 years old) seeing HF in uniform: "Dad, why are you dressed up like a policeman? That's what policemen wear. Are you a policeman? Is that your police car? Nah. That's not a police car. Police cars are supposed to be black and white. That one is blue and white."
HF: "Uh, yeah. I'm a real policeman." 

They've only had this discussion a million times or more...

On Friday, HF had another eye surgery. Same as this, but on his right eye this time. This time they knocked him out for the surgery. I took the kids over to a friend's so that I could be there kid-less when he woke up. When he was waking up, he was laughing a little bit, and then he quickly got stressed. He wanted to know where he was and if he had been shot. He asked the nurses a few times where his gun was and if he had been shot. Then he kept repeating his name and number and agency, and asked them to call his sergeant. Ha!

This time the recovery has been a night and day difference. He is resting a lot and has some pain, but no double vision and nausea! He is now able to have lasik, which is his next goal. My goal has been to get a van. We finally did yesterday! We went with the Honda Odyssey. I am already planning our first road trip. Any road trip tips? We have not had much success in the past.

grenades n things

I found out that my license is expired. Like really, really expired. I found out when doing some banking. They asked me if I had another form of ID because my license was expired. I looked at the date. It expired January 2010. Whoah. I thought that the DMV sent you a friendly reminder in the mail or something. I didn't realize it was my responsibility to check the expiration on my license, so I had no way of really knowing. Guess what? I still haven't renewed it. HF got a babysitter and took me on a "date". His idea of a romantic date was to drive me to the DMV so I could take care of my biznizz. Well since it's been so long, I have to take a written AND a driving test! I still haven't taken care of it. If you've read this blog from the beginning, you know how much that would make HF crazy. Mr. Rule Keeper and Follwer. And here is his wife-breaking the law. He is always quick to remind me of the consequences of driving without a license-among other offenses I am not guilty of.

I mentioned in my to do list that I needed to freak out at HF for leaving his SWAT stuff in my car. Check. I did it. Last week when HF had swat training, he couldn't take his usual police car as it was getting work done, so he took our van. The next day I was cleaning up the usual car mess left by the monsters children and I came across a thick cardboard cylinder thingie. I wasn't sure what it was so I picked it up. Well imagine my horror when I turn it towards me and have a little looksie inside. Yep, it was a grenade. I froze and then gently put it back down under the seat just as I found it and backed away slowly. I was a little upset. For one, was I driving around with the potential to blow myself and my kids up? What kind of person leaves that behind? Two. You know how when you notice something or are thinking of something and suddenly it's everywhere? For example, when HF started going to the academy, it seemed like the only stories in the news were about cops being killed or dirty cops getting caught. Well, when HF joined the swat team, the only stories I noticed were swat related deaths and of course, those were the only stories that seemed to be on the news.  Anyway, I am well aware that a couple of recent swat-related deaths were related to flash bang grenades going off. Without knowing the whole story, I just felt certain that these were very unstable devices that will just randomly go off without warning. When I confronted HF later about leaving his all his junk in my trunk, he had a good laugh and explained that they were dummies.

Can you imagine what would've happened to me driving around town with grenades and an expired driver's license. I expect I will take care of that license problem real soon. . .

for your viewing pleasure

HF thought this video was dumb, but I thought it was quite funny! Remind you of anyone you might know that needs to retire? I am not sure where this video originates from. HF sent it to me in an email. It appears to be a hidden camera sort of show. Enjoy!

one of these things is not like the other

Every now and then something shows up where it doesn't belong. This is the children's marker bucket.

Do you see what doesn't belong?

It's a handcuff key.

And today when I got in my car to run some errands, sitting next to me in the passenger seat was this orange rubber mallet from HF's accident investigation kit. My first thought was, "this could actually come in handy. . . " Any unusual finds in your homes or cars this week?

The Real Hero Is...

For Happy Medic and all you other firefighter/paramedic types out there who think you're hot stuff.  The real hero is...

Pizza.

Uploaded with ImageShack.us

You guys know I'm just playin' with you.  Everybody knows that sandwiches are the real "heroes."

Gotcha again.  But seriously.  We honor and respect our firefighter heroes.

Form letter I: background checks

Dear (family, friends, neighbors, etc.)

It is with deep (sadness, regret, reluctance, displeasure, joy, frustration, etc.) to inform you that I will not be able to perform that background check on your (mother's boyfriend, daughter's boyfriend, roommate, tentative employee, neighbor, etc.) that you asked if I could conduct multiple times.

For future reference, I will not be able to perform background checks on your (mother's boyfriend, daughter's boyfriend, roommate, tentative employee, neighbor, etc.) at any time in the future due to the user agreement that I signed upon becoming a sworn officer. I can't do this ("just this once", or "without anyone knowing", or "in 30 seconds or less", or "because I'm your mother").

Performing an unauthorized background check would be unethical and violate the oath that I have taken to protect and uphold the constitution of the United States. It also is a violation of the civil rights of the individual you would have me check. Not only would I hate myself for breaking the law, but I would risk unemployment and decertification. Not to mention the humiliation and shame heaped upon me by my fellow law enforcement officials. I would also lose the trust of the general public. You wouldn't want that to happen to me, would you?

Just thought you should know,

Your (friend, son, brother, sister, spouse, neighbor, girlfriend, boyfriend, roommate, etc.)

Officer (fill in the blank)

from the HF files

image taken from here

The other day, I was talking to a friend that lives in Boston. She says, "Oh, I've got a story you can tell HF." I was completely surprised by the outcome of this story. She told me how she witnessed teenagers fighting on her street in front of her house. She went outside and started yelling at them to knock it off and two other neighbors came outside and joined her. One of her neighbors teaches Jr. High so "he's been trained on how to deal with fights so he broke it up. We almost had to call the cops. But luckily didn't have to."

I waited for more.

Nothin'.

She wanted me to pass on to HF that she almost had to call the cops. That was her story. I just politely said, "Oh, okay." I don't remember the rest of the conversation. I was once again weirded out by people's thinking HF would want to hear a story like this because he's a cop. Later that night in bed I was telling HF about the conversation. I said, "Like that's something you would want or need to know about". Immediately HF said, "That's good. I'm glad you told me. That is something I would want to know about." I got up on my elbows and peered at him through the darkness. Continuing in a serious tone he said, "Now I can update her file. And I keep forgetting to update Kate's as well. I still need to do that." I still didn't catch on that he was being funny. He went on. "I have files for all of our friends, families, and neighbors. Then we laughed.

Lately I am feeling a little annoyed with all these lame stories that friends think we would want or have to know. Some people definitely get weird around us sometimes even though we're the same people they've always known. I guess there is a lot of mystery and assumption about police work. HF gets a lot of questions and he doesn't mind answering them, as silly as some of them are. He doesn't mind hearing stories as silly as they sometimes are, but sometimes it's just so ridiculous. I've been told numerous times that this sort of thing will happen at parties or at dinners, and that your friends and family generally won't understand your lifestyle. Nothing could've prepared me for this however. Please tell me I'm not the only one to constantly hear lame and irrelevant stories to pass on to my cop husband?!

life with a rookie cop

I thought I would show through the use of a bizzaro 80s music video, what life is like with a rookie cop. Obviously he's not afraid to wash his hair and he doesn't think that the people on tv can see him, but you get the general idea. Anyone else feel like they are living with Rockwell and Michael Jackson at times?

Rockwell's Somebody's Watching Me:
I'm just an average man
With an average life
I work from nine to five
Hey, hell, I pay the price
All I want is to be left alone
In my average home
But why do I always feel
Like I'm in the twilight zone

And I always feel like
Somebody's watching me
And I have no privacy
Whooooa-oh-oh
I always feel like
Somebody's watching me
Tell me, is it just a dream

When I come home at night
I bolt the door real tight
People call me on the phone
I'm trying to avoid
But can the people on TV see me
Or am I just paranoid

When I'm in the shower
I'm afraid to wash my hair
'Cause I might open my eyes
And find someone standing there
People say I'm crazy
Just a little touched
But maybe showers remind me
Of Psycho too much
That's why

I always feel like
Somebody's watching me
And I have no privacy
Whooooa, oh-oh
I always feel like
Somebody's watching me
Who's playin' tricks on me

Who's watching me
I don't know anymore
Are the neighbors watching me
Who's watching
Well, is the mailman watching me
Tell me, who's watching
And I don't feel safe anymore
Oh, what a mess
I wonder who's watching me now
Who
The IRS

I always feel like
Somebody's watching me
And I have no privacy
Whooooa, oh-oh
I always feel like
Somebody's watching me
Tell me, is it just a dream

this about sums up my life right now

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY!

police wife blogs and more of an in depth look into my life

I'm still kind of MIA, but thought I would mention these real quick:
5oh wifey
ladybug family
Jess to Impress
my perfect little world
Toliver Family

I'm off to bed. But I won't be sleeping. I've got all this on my nightstand:

-children's book: One Lonely Sea Horse

-fittingly, a playmobil SWAT lego set (4 year old son loves playing on our bed)

-under the legos, my journal, scriptures, some magazines

-giant Shakespeare book of completed works (I usually read this when I really want to go to sleep. I really want to read the whole thing! Trouble is, I can't seem to make it past the first few sentences each time)

-books on top of Shakespeare: Emily Dickinson book of poems, Eat This, and Secret Life of Food by Martin Elkort

-books on right hand side: The Surrendered Wife (sounds horrible, but it's really good), a Bill Bryson book (title escapes me at the moment), I Love a Cop, and a marriage and parenting book (title also escapes me)

-Under table: a road atlas (planning road trip this summer), a binder of years and years of recipe clippings finally organized and used for menu planning, and one of HF's highschool yearbooks. It's just for resting the laptop on when I use it in bed. And no, I haven't drawn any mutaches on any ex-girlfriends, although I've thought about it.

And when I lay me down to sleep, I make sure that I am facing the opposite direction of this:

HF's nightstand. The stuff my nightmares are made of.

It's not too messy in this picture. But, the guy trashes it big time. Seen here is one of those heavy duty flashlights that you would use to bludgeon a would-be intruder, the laptop, a drawing from our daughter, Daisy, a radio for headphones, a mouse for the laptop, a phone charger, 3D glasses from one of the kids' books, Sherlock Holmes, On Combat, a mushy letter from me, some other books, a CD case of computer games (ugh), and my favorite. . . the box that was a package at one point, but now a place where HF throws anything and everything. The mess goes under the table and into the closet. Usually he has piles of clean and dirty clothes that he stores underneath the nightstand and in the closet is a box of his comic book collection, and another box of baseball cards, comic cards, and Star Wars cards among others. It's cool because it's like a treasure trove for the kids, but now there is a giant stack of boxes that were sent here as packages and now HF wants to keep them to ship stuff sold on ebay.

I just have organization OCD issues, that's all. I tortured HF on his days off by having him hang a bunch of stuff. I am the queen of things being centered and perfect. But who isn't?

When HF gets home at 3:30 5:00 this morning, he will ever so gently remove a book from my grasp, and without waking me, smooth back the hair covering my face. Then he will slowly lift me and place me on my side of the bed so that I am no longer lying diagonally across the bed. I will remain in peaceful slumber without snoring. Then HF will violently rip the velcro on his ballistic vest, waking me in a terror. He will remember that he promised to remove all noisy gadgets downstairs before coming to bed. Then he'll fall into a deep and immediate sleep, while I lay awake, trying to go back to sleep. While it's still dark, I will hear the pitter pattering of three children from across the hallway. Morning comes all too soon. And it's usually still dark when I hear the voices of my children fighting playing.

It's just another day at the Fuzz household!

I'll be back soon.

Until then, enjoy this "missing" cat picture captured downtown in my city:

Perplexed: an HF update

These two things have me scratching my head lately:

1. A package arrived in the mail. It contained a black Miami Classic shoulder holster. HF ordered $200 of "leather gear" without discussing it with me. I told him he is lucky he works nights because otherwise I would force him to lie awake with me all night while we "talk" about this. He loves the shouldre holster by the way. I call him Don Johnson, or sometimes I prefer the more familiar, Donnie. 

    2.   HF has gone from looking like this (more or less):

to this (more or less):

Diego from Go Diego Go.

I have been calling HF Diego for a good part of a year now. I know a lot of you might disagree with me, but I don't find the tactical look the sexiest look of all. I admit, there are things that have grown on me over time, but mostly, I roll my eyes when he comes downstairs wearing his getup. When he's going to the range, or doing some training or whatever, not a big deal. It's another story when he and I are going out. I understand the need for functional clothing while concealing a weapon (or two or three. . .), but comeon!

Over the last few months we have been working out a compromise. Finding clothes that don't make him look like he's going to host the American Outdoorsman. That's all fine and dandy if that's the look you are into, but when he takes me out, that's not who I want to be with, you know? For example, last year he found these "awesome" fly fishing shirts at Sam's Club that would be great to wear at the shooting range not only because of the pockets, but the material was such that it would keep him cool. There was even a flap on the back of the shirt that helped to "cool him off". Okay. That's great. Just don't wear it to the mall with me or out to dinner! (which he tried to do every single time!) He loves this stuff. He dresses pretty much everyday like the "casual" or "off duty" section of the Police Headquarters magazine. Maybe I'm being a total brat, but I really detest the "Diego" look. Maybe that's why he's consistently doing this. . .

How do you (if you are an officer) or your LEO dress when off duty? Normal clothes? Just a size bigger to help conceal the gun? I've told HF not to worry. When I go shopping for him, I will make sure that the clothes I buy will still allow him to do this if when he needs to:

Die Hard images with Bruce Willis

Oh, and by the way, one of my favorite places to look for images now, thanks to HF, is imfdb.org. It's got tons of stills from pretty much any movie using guns. It's awesome. So if you are looking for any cheesy awesome action movie images, look no further. You can search by gun, movie, or actor. HF said I would thank him for telling me about this website. He's right! I love it.

frivolous finds: for the home office

Murder Ink Sticky-Note Pad $7.99

Police Badge Air Freshener: Fresh "Baked" Doughnut Scent $3.99

Crime Scene Toilet Paper $4.99

t-shirt: The police never think it's as funny as you do. $9.99

For the kids' owwies: Crime scene tape bandages $4.95

HF :: dancing traffic cop

Someone called in about HF. But it wasn't a complaint. It was to give compliments! A few days ago, HF had to direct traffic after a college basketball game. This person was a pedestrian and was impressed with his traffic directing skillz. I thought that was hilarious. I asked him if he wiggled his butt while waving cars through. I also asked him if he did any breakdancing or Michael Jackson moves. He said that one of the cops in the department is known for his "moves" in the street. He gave HF a few pointers on how to put on a show. These pointers apparently paid off! He got the pedestrians involved by having them boo cars that didn't follow instructions and that sort of thing. I think having some fun while directing traffic helps to ease the after game tensions or just the overall moods of the passengers and pedestrians while they are stuck in traffic. I don't have a video to show you of HF directing traffic, but check out this retired cop, Tony Lepore, from Rhode Island and his dancing cop moves! I love it.

MISTAAAAAKE!

Ever since I saw this clip on Scrubs a long time ago, whenever I make a mistake I hear the opera man singing, "MISTAAAAAKE!" in my head. Last night was one of those nights. HF mentioned to me casually, "Just so you know, the text messages you send me on my work phone are discoverable. So in a trial if my phone gets subpoenaed, any text messages are discoverable."

He let that sink in for a minute.

It only took a few seconds, but opera guy sang out, "MISTAAAAAKE!" loud and clear in my mind. I don't think I will ever send any "lovey dovey" texts ever again.

I don't know if my romantic texts would have any influence on a case involving HF, other than embarrassing us, but I did read this article over at Police One involving a case in New Mexico. I had never considered before that cell phone records could be used in court. If you talk to your loved one while he or she is on duty, do you have rules for what you can and cannot talk about?

job security

image found here

When I am browsing cop blogs, posts entitled, "job security" are usually describing a funny story dealing with a not so bright criminal or civilian. A lot of these laughs I get come from Motor Cop's blog and his dealings with many of his traffic stops.

The other night, there was a report of some guys driving around launching water balloons at unsuspecting pedestrians. They would hit people with balloons and then flip them off and yell obscenities at them. HF assisted with the call. To make a long story short, they all have court dates now. HF noticed the bucket in one of their trucks full of water balloons and also noticed that these guys weren't the sharpest tools in the shed, so he whipped out his phone and asked if he could take pictures of the inside of their vehicle. They almost seemed flattered at his asking and happily said, "Sure!" So he got some photographic evidence for the report. Then a couple of the guys got excited when they saw him taking pictures and asked, "Is this going to be in the newspaper?" HF thought fast and said, "Uh, yeah! Maybe!" So they all huddled together and asked him to take pictures of them. With their arms around each other, they did different poses and everything, even throwing in some of their own signature "gang" signs. The other officers that were with HF were trying not to laugh as HF took pictures. HF is pretty good at convincing people. Pretty much anytime he asks someone if he can look in their car, etc., they almost always say yes. I think it's his good looks. They really get him places.

I love when he responds to stuff like this. It's my favorite. Sure beats the other kind of stuff.

will it blend?

Have you guys heard of Will it Blend? I want this machine so bad. The Magic Bullet that I raved about so much a few months ago is giving me some trouble. I actually watched this being demoed (is that how you spell it?) at Costco around Christmas.

Anyway, I have been watching these Will it Blend? videos at You tube and just had to share this one of the airsoft gun. I've also mentioned previously that I'm not exactly thrilled with HF's airsoft addiction hobby. It would be too tempting to blend one of HF's airsoft guns. I smile at the idea of myself holding one of his M16's in this machine as it slowly gets smaller and smaller until it turns to dust. (This is meant to be funny by the way. I'm not really crazy like that. I do hate airsoft, but we all have our interests, right?)

Oh, and just so you know, the very basic of this model is "on sale" for $399.99. *whistles*

giant doughnut cake

On Thursday night, HF and I wandered into Williams Sonoma. They had this giant donut cake pan on display and I immediately thought of some excellent uses for it. HF's birthday for one. Maybe it's just me, but wouldn't it be hilarious to take this into the station on his birthday? I think it's pretty cute and I would probably get a lot of use out of it. And as far as prices go for Williams Sonoma, $19.95 ain't bad!

ol fon in gaeymy etel the kopts show up

Our 6 year old daughter drew another masterpiece recently. She placed it on HF's nightstand so he would see it when he came home from his shift. I woke up because I heard him trying to sound out what she had written. It says, Ol fun in gaeymy etel the kopts show up. In other words, It's all fun and games until the cops show up. She came up with it all on her own from a t-shirt one of her uncles wears occasionally. We're working on spelling. This uncle has a lot of t-shirts. This one is his favorite (and he's married):

Would you let your hubby wear this?