a list

-I think I experienced one of those Mondays I've always heard people mention. Unbelievable. It was one of those "put the milk in the cupboard and the cereal in the fridge" mornings. When I got back from taking my daughter to school, I came home to find the door wide open and HF asleep upstairs in our bedroom. I didn't shut the door when I left with the kids. My purse, our laptop, our flat screen, you know, all the important things in life, were left up for grabs for the riff raff that frequent our neighborhood. Thankfully nothing happened as far as I can tell, but to be honest I was more worried about stray cats and mice entering our home than a burglar attacking HF in his sleep. I was gone for 30 minutes.

-I have left the keys in the front door numerous times. The worst is when it is overnight and HF comes home to his sleeping wife and children and keys in the front door. He is never happy about that. This describes a typical night in our neighborhood: One night one of my neighbors was over hanging out and as I went to open the front door to see her out, a group of guys ran past our front door yelling, "!@$# You!" to who knows who. We were scared to death and she didn't venture home across the street for at least another hour.

-After washing my face, I used mouthwash on my face instead of my regular toner, which also happens to be blue. Let's just say my face was extra clean and rejuvinated.

-Our 2 year old went upstairs to our bedroom and picked up one of HF's two wallets and tried to shove it in the back of his diaper, just like daddy does (not in his diaper, but his pants. . . ) and became very frustrated that he couldn't get it to stick. It was one of those hilarious moments that maybe only the parents think are funny. Business idea: Diapers with back pockets?

-I've mentioned HF using more "coarse" language since entering the academy and becoming an officer. His latest? "Dumb Cuss". Let me use that in a sentence. After HF told me a work story, I asked, "Why did he do that?" HF said, "Because he's a dumb cuss that's why." I stopped him there and said, "Dumb Cuss? I've never heard anyone in my life say that before. Where did you pick that term up from? One of your work buddies?" Please tell me in the comments if any of you have used or regularly use that expression, or if you know where the expression comes from.

-CJ UPDATE!!! Sometimes you gotta praise Facebook and the things you can find out. CJ is currently claiming to be a reserve detective for HF's department (whatever that is. Don't think one can actually be a reserve detective). Wait. There's more. She is applying to the FBI to become a special agent. And that is a fact. I will keep you updated on anything else I find out.

-Once I mentioned to Happy Medic that if girls that chase Cops are called Badge Bunnies, then what do firemen call their "followers". He responded, "Kids". I still laugh about this.

-Another new pw blogger! Cathi at My Pinktastic Life.

-Our 2 year old has taken up headbanging as a hobby. He bangs his head in his crib at night, and now there is a dent on the wall above our bed where he banged his head. It actually put a dent in the wall! Either our wall is poorly built, or he has a really hard head. The most recent head banging damage is on a tile underneath one of our windows. It cracked the tile in half. The doctor said head banging is "mostly normal". Great. Take a look for yourself at the damage (I couldn't get a good picture of the dent in our bedroom, but this is the windowsill tile): He did this with his head!

-HF is currently "bulking up" for SWAT tryouts. He is taking special vitamins and supplements and eating lots of chicken, tuna, and veggies. He is also changing up his workouts for maximum results. I'm excited to see his transformation! Tryouts are in a month or so.

-We are getting the house ready for Mama Mia's visit (My Italian mother-in-law). She will be here for Christmas and New Years. We have lots planned for her entertainment. This is the first year in our entire marriage that HF has had Christmas Eve through New Year's Day off! He's one lucky cuss. No. We are all lucky cusses.

CJ on the move

I have a special announcement:

Our inside source has confirmed that CJ is applying for a job as a dispatcher in HF's agency. Can you imagine the damage that could be done over the radio?!

Don't know who CJ is or need a refresher course? See here.

Updated Nov. 2: CJ did not get the job! They hired an experienced dispatcher instead. I have to admit although relieved for everyone else's sake, part of me feels a tad disappointed because I do love me some department drama. Well, at least CJ drama. Maybe another CJ will come along, or who knows? Maybe this still isn't the end of CJ after all. There have already been many times I thought we had heard the last of her. She won't give up easy. She wants to be affiliated so badly with this department. No other department will do.

The Gift That Keeps On Giving (posted by HF)

A few nights ago, one of the female Field Training Officers was coming on duty. She walked into the patrol room and up to one of the cabinets that each officer has an assigned drawer in. She opened her personal drawer to retrieve some needed forms for the night's work when she noticed a picture frame in her drawer turned face down. She turned the frame over to reveal a vintage print from the 1940's.

"Who could have put this in my drawer?" thought the officer.

"Who knows I collect vintage art work from the 1940's? she wondered.

She looked at the frame. At first glance it appeared old and weathered. But upon closer inspection, she discovered that the frame was, in fact, brand new.

"It's been hand treated to look old. The weathering job is too precise, too congruent and even, too balanced. The grain of the wood doesn't show through the paint the way it would on a frame weathered by time."

"Oh there's a card!" she quipped.

It read:

"Dear Samantha [name of officer changed],

I just wanted to thank you for all the time and effort you spent training me while I was there. You were like a sister to me and I still feel that way. I was at the fourth of July parade and I saw you there with your beautiful kids. You mentioned that you collect these and I saw it and knew that you would love it.

Love,

CJ"

Question 1: How in the world did CJ get into the patrol room!?
Question 2: Is CJ stalking her former FTO!?
Question 3: WTF???

BREAKING NEWS

Just when you thought she was out of our lives forever. . .

Recently, one of the dispatchers that got chummy with CJ, logged onto facebook and saw the following update on her page:

"I am now done with FTO and have just been promoted to Detective!"

I understand not wanting to tell your family and friends (that were just at your graduation 3 months ago) that you were canned, but she had to add the bit about being promoted to Detective. I'm not experienced in the ways of police work and promotions, but I think most people know that being "promoted to detective" takes some time. Like, quite a few years usually? Not, "Congratulations, you have completed FTO and are now a Detective!"

People pretend to be things they are not online, so it's not like she can get in trouble for it, but hopefully she's not acting as an LEO in public. Otherwise, the real life detectives will have to bring her in for questioning.

from the CJ files

Now that CJ is gone, the stories are trickling in from other sources such as FTOs, instructors, and other cadets. So occasionally, I might have a juicy tidbit for you all from the CJ files. Here's the first one.

At the academy, one of the instructors was demonstrating an arrest control technique. CJ volunteered to have the technique done to her in front of the class. He was demonstrating a cross- face hair pull takedown. After he executed the maneuver, she got up and slapped him. Everyone in the class held their breath as they all thought the instructor was going to kill her. The instructor said, "Okay. Everybody gets one. That's yours."

she crazy

To everyone's relief, Calamity Jane got the axe on Monday. Unsurprisingly, it was a series of troubling events that have led up to this. I've mentioned before that she had trouble taking instruction in the academy. I think the chief in his attempt to hire more women, was hoping that her issues would get straightened out during FTO, but just like in the academy, she argued with her FTOs and exhibited other odd behaviors. For example, she said that once she was done with FTO she was going to be a detective.

There are funny things that happened, like her use of the radio. Once, she identified herself as a 10--(the code for a Driver's license here). My favorite CJ story, and the most recent, which I'm guessing led to her demise, would be the response to a rowdy and raucous college party. CJ and her FTO roll up, and being the pretty girl that she is, caught the attention of quite a few guys, even though she was wearing the party pooper police uniform. She loved the attention. Guys were pointing out that she was a how hot she was. Then some of them had the bright idea of asking her to dance with them. They probably thought it would be funny to get their groove on with a hottie in uniform. So get this. CJ says, "Oookay. Fine. I'll dance with you. I just have ONE rule. You can't touch my gun. You can touch me, but you can't touch my gun." She then danced with these guys until her FTO put an end to it. I'm guessing she looked more like the entertainment than the authority. This, my friends, is the straw that broke the camel's back. I know, crazy!

Of course, everything the lieutenant told her when firing her is being spread from officer to officer and I am drinking it up, just like a gossipy old lady obsessed with the tabloids. Honestly, when I met CJ, I quite liked her and wished the best for her. Then I felt bad that I had a blog full of CJ stories. But this job was NOT a good match for her. And finally, to everyone's relief, she agreed, and is now moving on to the next chapter of her life. She had everyone on edge. I'm surprised she lasted this long. She did some crazy stuff. Poor, poor Calamity Jane.

Unfortunately, this did nothing for the common stereotypes of women in the police force. However, they did hire another woman that HF attended the academy with and she is awesome. Meant to be an officer just like HF. Her husband is a Marine that was just deployed. And they're newlyweds. It was nice they gave her 2-3 weeks off to spend with him before he had to go.

there, there gentle readers. . .

the CJ updates don't have to end. Wanna know why? That's right, you guessed it. HF's department is FTOing CJ. Yes, you heard me. She starts FTO soon.

So at least for now, there will be more CJ stories. And if she makes it through FTO, and is hired, then the stories won't ever have to end.

Now when I lay me down to sleep at night, I will say an extra long prayer that HF doesn't get killed in the line of duty. By CJ.

fashion police

image found at about.com

CJ's started wearing her giant fashion sunglasses to scenario training at the academy. Before this, she was wearing them to the private shoots on Thursdays that HF's department was holding.

One of the instructors told her, "You need to stop wearing these large fashion glasses and wear sunglasses that offer some kind of safety protection like Oakleys."

"But I need to wear these sunglasses because if I have to squint all the time then I'll get crows feet! And I REALLY can't have crows feet!"

I love me some large glam glasses myself, but there are certain jobs when wearing these would cause an interference. Just to name a few:

• firefighter
  
• paramedic
• I don't know, POLICE
  
• anything in the emergency services, or anything indoors for that matter
  

Can you think of any jobs where wearing these kind of glasses would be reasonable or permitted?

I really don't want to sound mean. That isn't my point. It's just shocking to me what she does. Like hidden video/prank show/comedy routine shocking. I actually worry that HF's department, in an attempt to hire more women, will hire her despite her lack of competence. She has other reasons why she wants to be a police officer, none of which have anything to do with being a police officer. It blows my mind.

Maybe that's a subject for another time.

for all you CJ lovers out there

For those of you that might be new readers, there is a girl at the academy with HF that I refer to as Calamity Jane (CJ). She's always up to no good. This is her latest update.

HF recently had a courtroom procedures class where he and his class went to a court house and watched and participated in some courtroom scenarios. The instructor selected two cadets to be put upon the stand and be cross examined by a defense attorney. Each cadet had to write “reports” of their actions in other scenarios throughout the academy and low and behold CJ was one of the cadets selected to take the stand. Here’s how it went down:

Prosecutor: How long have you been a police officer?

CJ: 6 months

Prosecutor: Let me back up a second, prior to becoming a police officer did you have to go through any kind of training?

CJ: Yes, I attended the police academy.

Prosecutor: Okay, and when you graduated did you get any kind of certificate or documentation stating that you were qualified to work as a police officer?

CJ: Yes.

Prosecutor: Okay, then after that did you go through any more additional training?

CJ: Yes I went through an FTO program.

Prosecutor: Okay, and did you get any kind of certification saying that you had completed that?

CJ: Uh, I don’t know, I’m just making this up as I go along.

Prosecutor: Uh, okay, don’t worry about it, just say yes.

CJ: Okay

Prosecutor: Now can you describe to me your responsibilities as a police officer?

CJ: Okay, well I go out and serve and protect the liberty of the people.

Prosecutor: Uh, okay. Do you investigate crimes?

CJ: No.

Prosecutor: huh, maybe my question confused you. Let me rephrase it, uh… as a police officer, do you investigate crimes?

CJ: No.

Prosecutor: Are you sure?

CJ: Oh yes. I don’t investigate crimes at all.

Prosecutor: Okay… what exactly do you do as a police officer then?

CJ: (looking up at the ceiling and biting her lip) I uh, respond to calls from dispatch and protect the freedom of the people.

Prosecutor: Okay….

She was being questioned regarding a report she had made about a domestic dispute that she had “investigated,” during scenario training.

To her credit she was the first to go so she had no real idea of what to expect but everyone was pretty surprised when she stated that cops don’t investigate crimes. It’s been almost a year now.

I'm Back

Sorry I haven't posted this past week. Our computer has been on the fritz but we've managed to fix it, thanks to one of HF's academy friends. He's a nerd. I call him my foster child because he's always around and he's been around for the past 6 years. I don't think he'll go away anytime soon and now he's going to be a cop just like HF so there's that whole bonding thing, great.

HF had his first official day of scenario practicals. He was introduced to yet another group of instructors all of which could best be described as “super cops.” They were intimidating to say the least. Basically HF and his classmates had to divide up into little squads and rotate through 4 stations, each containing a different scenario they had to deal with. By the end of the day all of the students felt miserable. HF said that everyone’s brains shut down on them and they totally forgot what little law they knew. The instructors said that this was normal for the first day and “encouraged,” everyone to study up on their law. HF felt pretty dejected when he came home but he did have this one realization: The day wasn’t a failure. The instructors told them that even though they screwed up a lot, it was only day 1 of that training and that if they learned something at each station, then the training was a win for them. The instructors want them to make their mistakes in training so they learn from them and don’t make the same mistakes again in the real world.

CJ update:

In the last two weeks CJ has made it clear to the instructors that she doesn’t like it when they use the “F word,” which causes them to use it more and direct it at her, much to everyone else’s amusement. I don't like "the F word," either, but that's what happens in the academy and in the real world, right?

That’s all I got for now.